MOVEMBER is suddenly over. Sadly we bid farewell to the glorious variety of county sheriffs and 1970s detectives that have strutted through the A-League in the past few weeks.

Players, referees, linesmen and even coaching staff have thrilled us with their wildly creative commitment to this worthy cause. Every time the TV cameras lingered on yet another moustachioed convert, you could smell the Brut 33 and hear the sound of a funky bassline played by a guy in a tight bodyshirt.

Some of the facial hair on display has been indescribably alluring, some has been just...indescribable. But all of it has added spice (that’s Old Spice – the special gift pack with a soap-on-a-rope) to an already exciting competition. On behalf of the A-League’s many female fans: we salute you, one and all.

Unfortunately, the Mariners don’t appear to have embraced the chance to grow a mo this year with quite the enthusiasm of say, Perth or Victory. A couple of weeks ago, this lack of hairiness seemed unimportant: with three “Big Guns” blazing upfront their masculine credibility seemed unimpeachable. What defender could face “High Noon” with Matt Simon and not be trembling in his boots?

But as I watched my beloved team (who looked like James Bond on steroids mere weeks ago) struggle to hold back the purple menace, it suddenly came back to haunt me: there was not ONE Mariners player on the pitch sporting a mo. The week before it was the far more hirsute Victory who had rained on our parade... co-incidence? Or something more sinister? Even referee Peter O’Leary gloried in a mo that unfortunately made him look like an extra from Australia’s Most Wanted. As the match went on he seemed to be grinning fiendishly in our direction, taunting the smooth-faced Coasties as their game plan went pear-shaped.

With the loss of Pedj, Lawrie tinkered with his formation: new guy Tadrosse, Caceres upfront and Osman in the midfield. But with not a stray whisker between them, these changes seemed doomed from the start. And then, as the credits were about to roll, who comes on but Sash, sporting a mo as gorgeous as sunset over Terrigal Beach. I sighed with relief: at last, a saviour ! Crack open the Merv Hughes Special Reserve Dinner Ale and hand round the French onion dip!

Earlier this year a Wellington radio ad sneeringly referred to the Mariners as “The Australian Pretty Boys”. You’re just JEALOUS, we thought. You wish you could support such a lovely team, led by the wonderful Wilko, a man so delightfully wholesome he makes Gary Lineker look depraved.

Right now, it seems more like a scarily accurate prediction of the way more macho teams have attempted to sabotage our season. Look at the facts: Perth (even their coach sports facial hair) and Melbourne (led by a man who is so intrinsically “hairy” he displays a bald head just to rub it in). And if you need further proof of the Movember conspiracy, look no further than the man who, like Sash, also managed to get his team out of trouble in injury time this week: Ognenovski, who else??

There may be many valid reasons for the Mariners lack of facial fungus: a lot of blondes in the team, it’s too hot on the coast or perhaps their partners object. (All I can say is: thank you Mrs Petrovski!) Now I’m not doubting the team’s commitment to worthy causes: Lawrie himself was happy to remove bodily hair for charity. But maybe after two draws it’s time for the team to let their inner cavemen out to play.

And speaking of cavemen, Hef is said to be returning to the team very soon.

Oh no! Isn’t he the guy who chose to dress up on Mad Monday in a pink fairy outfit (complete with tiara) ? I can’t look...


In a 16-year career, Gary Lineker was never booked. He is now engaged to a lingerie model. These facts are not necessarily related.