THE LIGHTS are on, the disco ball is spinning, and Spike the Sea Mine still looks like a complete idiot, even in an expensive suit.
Yes, that's right; it's time to hand out my end-of-season awards to the players and staff of Perth Glory Football Club. Of course, the season hasn't even kicked off yet, but hey- why not make it interesting?
Seeing as Gold Coast United are already champions, there's not much point in trying to predict ladders or finalists in my eyes. Clearly, all the major A-League awards will go to United players as well, so I won't even bother going through those. Rather, I think we'll concentrate on Perth Glory's own awards night, and include some of the lesser known trophies on offer as well.
First is the club's Most Glorious Youth Player, handed out to the most valuable player in Perth's National Youth League side. Last year it was young defender Scott Neville, who was promptly rewarded with a contract with the senior team.
In the Mix: Million Butshiire (striker), Hayden Doyle (defender/midfielder), Reece Vittiglia (midfielder), Ludovic Boi (midfielder), Dean Evans (defender).
Winner: It's a tie between Ludo Boi and Reece Vittiglia. Both were in the goals last year for the youth team, they're both midfielders with an attacking mindset, and now that former teammate Andrija Jukic is playing for the senior side they'll be looking to follow in his footsteps by creating and scoring for the youth team this year.
The Supporters' Player of the Year is a purely fan-based vote, and it's no surprise that last year it went to newly-found cult hero Eugene Dadi. There's an iconic picture of Dadi celebrating a goal, shirt off, in front of the shed- fans about to break the fence they're leaning on- and that's exactly what this award is about.
In the Mix: Eugene Dadi, Jamie Harnwell, Branko Jelic, Adriano Pellegrino, Mile Sterjovski.
Winner: Mile Sterjovski. The guy is going to score and create goals for his team, and in doing so will quite possibly become the "new Bobby". Enough said.
Next up on stage we'll be presenting the Players' Player of the Year. An award for the players, voted by the players, its recipient is sure to be well-respected amongst the squad and valued on and off the park. Last year's winner was young striker Nikita Rukavytsya.
In the Mix: Chris Coyne, Tando Velaphi, Jamie Harnwell, Jacob Burns, Mile Sterjovski
Winner: Jacob Burns. Burns impressed me greatly during the Glory's match against Wolverhampton, and after receiving the captain's armband during the week you can be sure that he'll be contributing 110% to every game this year. I think he'll be a well-liked leader, a valuable player both in defence and going forward, and I think the players will agree with me.
Young Player of the Year is an award handed to the best Under-23 player in the senior squad. Last year, Rukavytsya and Tando Velaphi fought out a titanic battle which saw the young keeper just shade his Olyroo teammate.
In the Mix: Aleks Vrteski, Anthony Skorich, Scott Neville, Brent Griffiths, Howard Fondyke.
Winner: Scott Neville. Both Andrija Jukic and Tando Velaphi will be 23 by the end of the 2008-2009 season, which left the one obvious choice. Last year's Most Glorious Youth Player, if he breaks into the starting lineup Neville should win this at a canter; he has bucketloads of potential and could very easily be off to bigger and better leagues within a year or so.
The Golden Boot (really now, surely that should be the Purple Boot?) is handed to the club's top scorer, last year shared by the lethal strikeforce that was Eugene Dadi and Nikita Rukavytsya.
In the Mix: Mile Sterjovski, Branko Jelic, Eugene Dadi, Jamie Harnwell, Andrija Jukic.
Winner: Branko Jelic. Once fit, Branko is going to have Mile Sterjovski serving up goals to him on a silver platter. Combine that with raking crosses from Victor Sikora and the gut-busting Adriano Pellegrino, and the steady supply of passes from Srhoj and Burns in the middle of the park, and you'd think our new Serbian striker will put a few away. Hopefully.
Getting to the pointy end of Glory's official awards list, we have the Best Clubman gong. The club awards this to the player who has best shown what it is to be Perth Glory, both on and off the pitch. Last year it was handed to club stalwart Jamie Harnwell, for his tireless work on the field, in the corporate sector, and at a grassroots football level.
In the Mix: Jamie Harnwell, Adriano Pellegrino, Mile Sterjovski, Jacob Burns, Chris Coyne.
Winner: Jamie Harnwell. Approaching the end of his career, there can be no question as to who the person most committed to the Glory cause is. I swear the man bleeds purple; and there is nothing more inspiring to a Perth fan than that. If Glory make the finals this year, it would be only fitting that Jamie Harnwell is on the pitch to see it.
Finally, the lights go dim for the big one- Perth's Most Glorious Player award. Handed to the club's best player of the season, it was last year given to midfield dynamo Adriano Pellegrino, with Jamie Harnwell some way behind in second place.
In the Mix: Adriano Pellegrino, Chris Coyne, Jacob Burns, Mile Sterjovski, Tando Velaphi.
Winner: A tie! Mile Sterjovski and Chris Coyne finish equal on votes with the ever-reliable Adriano Pellegrino and Jacob Burns some way back. Coyne and Sterjovski, should they stay fit, are simply a class above the rest of the Glory squad. They're both current Socceroos, they've got class and experience, and a good season from the two of them will see Glory do very well indeed.
But Wait, There's More! (Minus the Steak Knives)
As the crowd applaud the winning duo off the stage, a commotion rings out as a somewhat scruffy-looking man, possibly with a few beers under his belt, storms the stage with a hessian sack in tow. Amid cries of "Security!" and "Hey, that's the guy from that site with the thing", he proceeds to hand out some 'overlooked' awards.
First up is the Numb Arse Trophy, which is presented to a somewhat confused-looking Aleks Vrteski. Crafted of the finest pine, it celebrates the achievements of those players whose best (if not only) contributions came from sitting in the stands or on the bench, whether through form or sheer competition for spots. Polite applause rings out.
Next out of the hessian sack is the impressive-looking Hayden Foxe Golden Moon Boot; handed to the club's injury king. With David Tarka, Amaral, and the legendary Foxe all out of the running this year, it's a close call; but the award eventually goes to ageing English defender Andy Todd.
Laughter then ripples around the room as David Mitchell is awarded the $50 for a Shave and Some New Clothes; come on Mitch, I swear you're in the same bloody tracksuit every time you're interviewed! Always a good sport, Mitchell slips his award into the pocket of his finest 'trackie dacks' and vacates the stage under the watchful eye of young fashionistas Jimmy Downey and Tando Velaphi.
The Why Aren't You Starting Him, Fucken! award is then co-presented by the couple of angry Greek and Italian ex-referees who sit in the Eastern stand of Members Equity Stadium. It's recipient is young Scott Neville, who had to overcome several senior players before being given a starting XI spot. They're then escorted from the stage as they begin to argue the merits of a drop ball amongst themselves.
Back then to the scruffy gentleman, and next up is the Pellegrino "We Thought You Were Crap But You're Not" Dedication Plate; and there are some quiet murmurings from the crowd. Expected to be a tight battle between Jamie Coyne, Naum Sekulovski, and Scott Bulloch, it's Naum who finally wins out- proving in the end that he might actually be able to make it at A-League level. Maybe.
By the time the HMAS Ron Smith Memorial Deadwood Trophy is pulled out and presented to Jimmy Downey along with a badge saying "I run fast", venue security has already reached the stage. Within five minutes, everyone is back in their seats and a few perplexed-looking players have some new gifts.
All in all, it sounds like a good night! Of course, it's incredibly difficult to predict these things, and anything from injuries to personalities will determine the final makeup of these awards. If you've got a trophy of your own to throw into the hessian sack, feel free to drop a comment below and I'll ensure that you share my infamy come season end. Adelaide next week; and it finally feels as though the wheels are in motion for season 2008-2009.
