Adrian: England. Home of football. Inventor of the modern game, or at least codifier of the modern rules. With football being (by some distance) the most popular team sport in the world, you’d think that would make England the toast of the planet.

Matt: You’d think so, but England will never be forgiven for its role in creating the biggest game in the world.

Nick: Administered by FIFA – one of the wealthiest institutions in the history of the planet. FIFA love England so much, they’re holding this year’s tournament in Russia.

Adrian: The EPL is arguably one of the top three leagues in the world, why doesn’t England win at least once every three World Cups?

Matt: The EPL is full of great players from all over the world, but here’s no longer a definable English way of playing football that separates the English players from the rest. Our main problem is that we don’t really know who we are. We’re forever trying to play like Sweden, or Germany, or Italy or Spain…but we’re not those countries. We’re England which has been, for most of its history, a chaotic, drunken, creative cauldron. We ought to be giving free reign to that cauldron.

Adrian: How does that work in football terms?

Matt: We should be playing like a bunch of 12-year-olds in the street where the true genius of England…players like Hoddle, Barnes, Gascoigne, Scholes, Le Tissier can be let loose, but England never has the guts to properly use the players capable of that primal genius.

Nick: I don’t quite agree with that. I agree we no longer know who we are but I don’t think we can just resort to playing like kids. I think more England players need to be exposed to different systems and playing in different, perhaps more technical leagues. We have been unlucky in the past but now we’re just incompetent. There are good players but we never use them to the best of their collective abilities.

Matt: Exactly, look at Scholes. Maestros like Platini, Hernandez and Zidane said Paul Scholes was one of the best they’d ever seen and could not understand why he didn’t play more for England, why he played so often out of position, and even why England did not build their team around him.

Nick: Yes, if Scholes had been played more in central midfield and the others we mentioned had more of a go, England would certainly have done better.

Matt: In the period between 1986 and 2002, England had one of the best teams in the world. We should have won something.

Nick: And if we’d been better at penalties, we would have done.

Adrian: Okay, so looking forward to the current campaign…what do you think of Southgate’s squad? Who’s missed out and should they have?

Nick: Wilshere…smoker. Joe Hart…terrible. Smalling…always makes at least one costly error per game.

Matt: The only person to miss out in my mind who arguably should have been there was Shelvey.

Nick: He offers something different to all the others. Always looks to get the ball forward but can cost you a yellow or red card.

Adrian: What about Harry Kane?

Nick: Amazing player but I don’t like him as captain. I think he’s mentally weak.

Adrian: Didn’t Southgate say he made him captain because he was mentally strong?

Nick: Yes, apparently, but I really disliked the situation recently where he claimed a goal he didn’t score. Then, when it blew up in his face he couldn’t take a joke…bit sad really. You never make someone captain who can’t take a joke.

Adrian: Okay…what about the youth of the squad. Is this a team that can genuinely win? Or is it a development squad for the future?

Matt: You won’t win anything with kids. [Nick and Matt laugh] Seriously, I think they’ll scare a few teams but they won’t win.

Nick: I can imagine us drawing two games and losing to Belgium.

Matt: In my experience, we’ve never been good enough to win on the day despite occasionally having a team definitely capable of winning. Look at the Iceland shambles.

Adrian: I have to say, I look at the England squad, and I do think it is capable of doing something special this time around…despite everything you’ve said.

Matt: Yada, yada, yada…heard that too many times.

Nick: I’ve seen better squads than this fail at an early stage.

Adrian: That sounds like the usual English pessimism.

Matt: I’m not at all pessimistic…I’m genuinely optimistic about the team because we always do as well as we deserve to. I’ve just never seen an England team good enough to win the World Cup

Adrian: So there you have it – England fans manifesting their traditional blend of passion and cynicism. Daring to hope but expecting the worst. 

Adrian’s latest book The Fighting Man is in the shops right now or available through Booktopia. Adrian also wrote Mr Cleansheets.