THE FIRST 80 minutes of the Wellington Phoenix-Perth Glory encounter on Sunday was held up by one FourFourTwo forumite as proof of how far the A-League standard has fallen in 2009.
While I'm yet to be convinced of that particular argument, the game certainly served up some good examples of some of the league's present deficiencies.
Now, these sorts of articles quite often end up as some sort of nostalgia trip for an old diehard, or contain reams of hyperbole from a new-age Fox Sports commentator who got their job through connections as opposed to any real knowledge of the game. Keep in mind then that I'm trying to take a rational approach to the "A-League is crap because..." debate, examining the reasons that people often give for their grievance with our national competition. That said, I'm still going to hop into this flame-retardant suit. Just in case.
Valid complaints about the A-League
* Too many players lack basic skills and techniques. I'm not going to 'Fosterise' here, but like I mentioned in one of my early blogs for this site, a lot of A-League players simply can't play the game at an appropriate level. When supposedly solid performers like Jamie Coyne are passing the ball to opponents on a constant basis, it not only angers fans but reduces the game as a spectacle.
* Poor coaches. I bring into this category not only those coaches who are technically or tactically inept (Ron Smith) but those who are a media nightmare (McMahon, Butcher) or bring the game into disrepute (Kosmina, Farina). This league has only ten teams- can we not just find ten quality coaches, from here or overseas?
* A boring brand of football. Let's face it, how many neutrals will watch a stereotypical Adelaide - Mariners game at the moment? Or the Brisbane - Newcastle match of a few weeks ago? Or even the Wellington - Perth game last Sunday? It harks back to the two points above, but the typical A-League game doesn't set the world on fire. Sure, everyone prefers a 4-4 draw to a 0-0 one; but even some scoreless draws can be highly entertaining thanks to supreme defensive efforts. A-League scoreless draws can't be categorised like this for the most part; they're generally just inane matches filled with mistakes by both teams.
* The FFA has too much control. Clubs are struggling to forge their own individual identity with everything from merchandise to media controlled by the governing body. Will next season will see a 'Melbourne Red' take on 'Melbourne Blue', or will there be a real meaning behind the derby? What will make someone choose red rather than blue?
Invalid complaints about the A-League
* My team isn't in it. That's all well and good, and there were certainly some controversial exclusions from the league; personally, I'm not convinced we've got the "boy's club" politics that plagued the NSL out of the selection process. But is the league really worsened by a particular club not being there? Is a crappy league plus your team no longer a crappy league?
* It has a salary cap. The cap exists to stop teams buying the title one year and having a financial collapse the next. People say the cap breeds mediocrity in our playing stocks; but I don't believe the cap can be blamed for players like James Robinson; I could pick players from all state leagues who could pass/shoot/tackle/etc better than some of these A-League 'stars'. What's more, the cap doesn't stop someone from hiring skills coaches to improve their players' ability.
* It's not the NSL. The NSL wasn't really the NSL in the mid-1980s either, when it reverted to a two-conference system rather than a single league (amusingly, Brisbane's two sides at the time played in the 'Southern' conference with teams from Victoria and Adelaide). Change happens. By all means, talk about a lack of identity in the A-League; but slating the league because it's acronym isn't N-S-L seems a bit ridiculous.
* It's not the EPL. It's one thing to demand players with the ability to pass the ball; it's another thing altogether to demand them to pass like Xabi Alonso or Carlos Tevez. The advent of television and the internet means we can compare our league with others more so than at any other time in history; and comparisons with the world's elite just aren't fair. We don't yet have the resources nor the infrastructure of our English counterparts; what we do have is ours however, and we should be proud and make do with it. A bit like the English and their rugby union, really.
The Worst Game Ever
Back to the weekend's game, and it certainly wasn't the highest form of football that the country's ever seen. It was a game that highlighted perfectly the gulf in class between players like Andy Todd and Paul Ifill and their respective teammates. Of course, our local guys will improve with time now that massive changes are being made at junior levels of the game; but until then we'll need to rely on players like Todd to bring that extra bit of class to an otherwise slightly rough product.
Over the years, the Glory and New Zealand-based sides have put on some pretty scrappy and uninspiring games - especially in the A-League. The match in 2008 where just 4,400 fans turned out to watch a Eugene Dadi penalty earn Glory a 1-0 win at Members Equity Stadium was especially diabolical. The game was so insipid that some fans were filing out of MES at half time.
In fact, if you look at the points scored by all teams over the course of the A-League, you'll soon find that they're easily the two worst teams in the short history of the competition:
Which got me to thinking; if you really wanted a true nightmare of an A-League game, you'd probably combine the worst players Perth and New Zealand had to offer over the course of the A-League and line them up against one another.
Now, I will leave it to the Kiwis of FourFourTwo to put forward their worst team (though I'd imagine it would feature Jeremy Christie, Matt Carbon, Ben Collet, and Cleberson...) but I can certainly report on the Perth XI which took part in this fixture. The squad looked something like this, including the extended bench to cover the inevitable injuries that would occur on the field:
Frank Juric
Steve McMahon Jr----Hayden Foxe---Tyler Simpson---Stan Lazaridis
Henry Fa'arodo----Jeremy Christie----Nicky Rizzo
Brian Deane---Mate Dragicevic---James Robinson
Bench
Jordan Simpson
Adrian Webster
Anthony Danze
Paul Pezos
Stuart McLaren
Manager: Ron Smith
Assistant: Ron Smith's laptop
Medical Team: The guys who approved Hayden Foxe and Stan Lazaridis.
Mitchell Prentice was considered in the initial squad, but fell out of favour with selectors after he got into a brawl at the local McDonalds while fetching the team lunch. Likewise, Jerry Karpeh came with big raps from the state league but didn't bother rocking up to the game. Neil Teggart also agreed to play, but at the last moment pulled out and scooted off back to the UK.
Football Federation Australia provided the wage bill for the Inglorious XI - five dollars and nineteen cents in total, plus some blue lint - and Ron Smith was installed as manager. He brought his trusty laptop along as an assistant and began to assemble the squad by making powerpoint slides of his favourite players.
Hayden Foxe walked easily into central defence - well, about as easily as you can walk while on crutches and wearing two moon boots - and he was accompanied by Simpson Number One, the defender. Simpson Number Two was upset that he'd have to start on the bench, but was promised an Olyroo spot by Smith as compensation. Steve McMahon Jr. arrived at the ground with his Dad, who forced his way past imaginary waiting media and yelled a lot.
Adrian Webster and Jeremy Christie arrived with the New Zealand team bus and offered to play for both teams. After all, they said, it's what they'd always done when playing for Perth anyway. Anthony Danze was included by Smith after he saw him perform a simply exquisite footballing trick- playing the ball back from his own attacking half out for an opposition corner. Paul Pezos kept Danze company on the bench with the promise of getting himself sent off as soon as he came on; whilst Stuart McLaren was unable to move from the bench once arriving. As far as I know, he's still there.
Smith had promised an overseas attacking trio to take the game to New Zealand, and he delivered it in the form of Brian Deane, James Robinson, and Mate Dragicevic. Deane explained that he'd scored the first ever goal in English football, Robinson admitted to being a huge Deane fan, and Dragicevic put on the best wardrobe impersonation that Smith had ever seen.
To play Smith's patented brand of 'possession' football, some fancy wingers were needed. Nicky Rizzo and Henry Fa'arodo fit the bill, with Rizzo offering to cut every blade of grass on the MEBS pitch with his crosses while Frodo ran around on the other wing, unsure of what to do. Meanwhile, Frank Juric creaked into town and sat down between the goalposts, and nobody bothered to move him.
All that was left now was to find a flagship player for the Inglorious A-League XI. FFA officials scoured the land and eventually found a small man with a very large wallet; and after agreeing that he wouldn't have to play away games, or games down the road, or train, or run, or talk to other players, Stan Lazaridis was their man.
Without further adieu then, I present the extended highlights of the Inglorious XI taking on the representative New Zealand side:
90': The game is over.
