ONE wonders whether the far reaches of the ever-expanding Universe lay home to a set of Gods that cast their eyes over the football galaxy that we mere mortals inhabit; if they do, then they have a wonderful sense of humour and irony.
For one thing, this blog has returned in full working condition (Heh...) and as if to celebrate the confirmation that the A-League Pre-Season Cup has been scrapped, exorcised and confined to the depths of history, they provided us with a reminder of why poorly-approached cup competitions can drive a man to instead watch Mark Hughes send out any sort of football side against West Brom.
That's right, Everton's Semi Final against Manchester United was that laboured that the prospect of Chris Brunt being tracked by Richard Dunne had more of a de-snoozing effect in the early hours of the morning than watching Tim Cahill (even after the effects of an intermediary game of Warcraft - not World of Warcraft - on my personal computer; despite the presence of a mistress in my life, not much has changed).
The difference between the FA Cup and our Pre-Season Cup is that a few people (Sir Alex Ferguson not included * snicker * ) seem to actually care about the former, whereas the latter had no significance other than to afford the now-departed Terry Butcher with the platform on which his Sydney side weren't ridiculed (ironically because no-one seemed to ever watch the tournament...ever).
So what of the now extinguished trophy? The only logical solution and the first that comes to the mind of any reasonable person, is that Kevin Rudd - in the interests of the nation - invest in memory-wiping technology similar to that used in the Men In Black series, whereby all football fans who have been unfortunate enough to have laid eyes on the tournament in any form whatsoever (even those who had simply been alerted to its existence by the private conversation of a random passer-by) have that particular part of their memory targeted.
You ask how this would benefit the entire nation?
Imagine if a tourists' first impression of Australian sport - nay, of Australia - was last year's Pre-Season Cup Final?
Hell, they'd probably report back to their respective governments, who would then order a full-scale invasion of the country to put us all out of our misery (Yours truly would gladly raise the white flag).
Such is the pointlessness and inhumane nature of the Pre-Season Cup that it would probably go down as the only war in history not met by opposition by any living organism... - except for maybe Wellington... if they had actually won.
Even then though, would New Zealanders have managed to force one eye towards the round-ball game? (I guess that question is obsolete with respect to the question as to whether they will EVER)
Alternatives for pre-season preparations are far-ranging and offer near limitless possibilities; there is also of course the incredibly sane notion that an already small league's capacity for variety is diminished by side's familiarizing themselves with each other before their league campaigns even begin.
But why apply logic to a concept that is illogical?
Instead, I call upon all bloggers, blogites and FourFourTwo disciples to utterly decimate, insult, demonise, decapitate and bury the Pre-Season Cup upon this space, so that it never taints the lives of good-natured football fans ever again.
To get us started, a list of phenomena that the Pre-Season Cup surpasses in terms of pointlessness and painfulness:
- The television show ‘Friends'
- The television show ‘That 70s Show'
- Television
- Rio Ferdinand
- Clyve Tyldsley (See commentary for second Porto goal in Old Trafford)
- The iPhone
- People who use the iPhone to conveniently ‘browse' about a topic brought up at a dinner table (Thin ice here, Greek boy... KA)
- People who possessed both an iPod and a perfectly good phone yet still thought their life would be enhanced by an iPhone
My question of the week: Is Starship Troopers quite possibly the greatest film in cinematic history?
