TONY Vidmar lies dead on my kitchen bench. While his face continues to register a sickly smile, rigor mortis has finally set in and his tiny distorted legs point stiffly upwards.
For several weeks now we have battled to keep this Aussie legend alive. Bunnings have made a fortune from the numerous varieties of glue we’ve purchased in a vain attempt to revive the ex-Mariners defender who, in happier days, clung proudly to our car window.Late on Friday night, exhausted and close to tears after a terrible loss to Victory, at last I consigned Tony to his final resting place behind the gladwrap and freezer bags. Despite his illustrious career, looking at his withered blue and yellow body only served to remind me of the painful defensive errors that have cost the team so much in the past few weeks.
Every time I looked at little Tony I got more and more paranoid: could it be his own disastrous (if uncharacteristic) error in last year’s Grand Final that ultimately put a defensive jinx on our season ?
How else could you explain the seemingly avoidable and basic mistakes made by our experienced defenders in the last two matches? You really know your team’s in trouble when an Under-12s defender watching the match makes the comment “Bojic should’ve stayed goal-side, that’s Rule Number One.” Not to mention the case of the disappearing wall.
Last week there were many positives and we nearly made a comeback. This week some sort of witchcraft was at work that caused us to shoot ourselves in the foot in a period of seven terrifying minutes.
Like most people I blame Kevin Muscat, a man who is clearly a Grand Master of the Dark Arts. Don’t let that cheeky grin and wicked quip fool you : this is a guy whose command of mischief and mayhem makes Voldemort look like Nelson Mandela.
His work is well-known, yet strangely shrouded in secrecy. In certain circles he is spoken of in hushed tones as “The Ref Whisperer”, the only man in Australian football who can somehow tame even the most hardened refs.
Little is understood of Kevin’s techniques, but his capacity for mind-games is thought to be almost unheard of outside of Europe. His ability to get away with a reckless challenge or a quick grab at the crown jewels leaves spectators and opposing players gasping in disbelief. Or sometimes just gasping in pain, like Simon and Gumps – “Achtung, baby!”
Following his retirement from football, a career in the top casinos of Las Vegas is clearly an option for Muscat, whose sleight-of-hand and supernatural powers are sure to bring even more rewards.
His work on Heff was incredible to behold: a few choice phrases and this experienced defender was bewitched and had a Zizou Moment. It was horrifying to watch and incredibly aggravating to know we’ll be without Heff for the crucial matches ahead.
And no Clarkey either just adds to our woes, although he and Gumps were brilliant on the right, adding grunt and attack which should have gained us points. Instead we’re left anxiously awaiting results from other matches and hoping to somehow scrape our way back up the ladder.
The match statistics are sobering: 22 balls in the penalty area but only two shots on target, 22 fouls against Victory’s nine. We couldn’t finish our chances in the first half when we dominated and frustration was the result.
How has it come to this? The Mariners are the second top scorers in the league and a few weeks ago we were talking about title defence – now we are fighting tooth and nail for a place in the top four.
It was awful to see the dressing room scene after the match. They looked so gutted and it was the first time all season that we didn’t see a post-match interview with a Mariners player. In the cold light of day, a great deal of determination, discipline and true grit will be needed to face Adelaide next week.
I believe we can edge our way past Phoenix and not even Stephen Hawking could do the maths to get Sydney there. But our defence needs to shake off their hoodoo in a big way.
Just to be on the safe side, I think I’d better drop little Tony down the waste disposal unit. Or maybe Lawrie could use him on the bench : he could probably dance on Cristiano’s head and get away with it.
Kevin Muscat’s spectacular show “The Mentalist” will be opening at Crown Casino in March 2011.