BELOW follows an excerpt of an actual phone conversation between Melbourne Victory (MV) and Fred. Note: By actual I mean fake.

Fred: Alô, de onde fala?

MV: Fred? Is that you? It’s MV here.

Fred: Oh. Hello.

MV: I know it’s been a while since we last talked. I should’ve called sooner – I’m so bad like that – but it’s been difficult. After you left I had a really tough year. Everybody over here was saying how much they missed you and how it all could’ve been so different if only you’d been around.

To be honest, I just couldn’t get you out of my mind. I kept dreaming about your creative runs and cheeky through balls. I talked to Ernie about it and he said that Leandro would help me get over you – but if I’m honest, he was just a rebound import. He meant nothing to me.

Fred: What did you want to talk about?

MV: Well, they’re reporting over here that you’re off to the Nix for a 6 game stint. I nearly cried when I heard the news. Surely this isn’t true…I thought you bled blue and white?

Fred: It’s complicated...It’s not you, it’s me.

MV: Fred, I can’t believe it! I gave you everything…your own little house in the burbs; space in the midfield to express yourself; a yearly metcard ticket. I even brought over your two drinking buddies, Alessandro and Claudinho. Admittedly they were hilarious on the piss but I didn’t know that they couldn’t play football.

Fred: Yeah, I guess we had some good times.

MV: Bloody oath. We did the double! You set up Archie four times in the Grand Final. You looked so happy after that game – with all the smiling and hugging and Portuguese talking. We even went to Nando’s to celebrate.

Fred: I was faking it.

MV: No, don’t lie. What about the shirt kissing and Brazilian jujitsu celebrations?

Fred: Yep, faked that too.

MV: I don’t understand. What did I do wrong?

Fred: MV I never meant to hurt you…We had a summer fling and we’ve got some great memories – no one can ever take that away from us – but you have to move on.

I didn’t want to be the one to break this to you but I’m just going to come out and say it…There’s no romance left in football.

MV: What do you mean?

Fred: It’s about dollars and cents. I’ve got a family to provide for. I’m 29 and sure I look youthful but I’m not getting any younger. I’ve got maybe three more years of decent football in my legs and my wife is now a WAG and she has developed a taste for Louis Vuitton.

MV: I understand. It’s about the money.

Fred: Well, that and I also couldn’t understand a word of what Ernie said and that Kevin is as mad as a cut snake.

Listen, players just don’t stay with the one club anymore. I’d love to be running around for my first club, Olimpic, earning petrol money for the away games but that’s not realistic. I don’t know, maybe it’s a Generation X or Y thing. I reckon it’s got a lot to do with TV rights, shirt sales and sponsorships.

MV: But Fred…You were our favourite.

Fred: It’s a business now. You and I are just the employees. You have to get the most out of this machine while you can.

It’s not you MV but maybe it’s not really me either…Maybe, it’s just football.


Tristram is a Victory fan and wishes he could say that a knee injury curtailed his promising football career.