“IT'S frustrating as hell to be honest because you look at that first 30 minutes and it was everything that we wanted. We created a number of chances and we just haven’t got that ability at the moment to put the ball into the back of the net.” Thus spoke Viddie after Friday night’s debacle.

Well ,Viddie, that's us at the moment - completely contradictory. I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but it CAN'T be "everything that we wanted" when "we just haven't got that ability at the moment to put the ball into the back of the net", can it? Because if you can't score you can't win, can you? Oh, and a game lasts 90 minutes. You might pass that on to the team.

It seems a long way from the excitement of pre-season when Lloyd 'Raise the Roof' Owusu slipped into town on the back of the swine flu. Hopes were high and we were all practising our robot moves so we could dance our way through a season of goals and glory. Well, Lloyd's tested our patience and our credulity, with the final straw coming on Friday, when he took the ball for the penalty and proceeded to show us all that we'd pinned our hopes to the wrong man. Yes, it was only a penalty miss but there's been precious little else. When you talk the talk, you have to walk the walk. It's time to 'lower the roof'. And lock the doors.

Now is the time for little talk to outsiders, except to recognise what is obvious. We're playing badly. We need to win. We've lost our way. It'll take time to find the path back. It's going to be a hard road. There's going to be no Hansel and Gretel trail of bread crumbs to follow. We're in the witch's oven and - unless we face facts and think creatively - we're cooked.

So, let's sit down together and be honest. I'm going to pretend that I'm the school principal and that you're my senior team (let's face it, you're playing and acting like schoolboys). I've written a report on you all and given you a grade. I want you to read it, think about it and respond. Some of you won't like it but you're going to have to suck it up. There are a lot of people at this school who look up to you and it's time you started to accept the responsibility that entails. This may take some time.

Hugene - You're excused, lad. In fact, grab a beer from the bar fridge in my office on your way home. You're an example to the others and a hero to the juniors. A+. See you next week.

Cornthwaite - Well, Robbie, your nocturnal activities have been an embarrassment to the school but you've still turned up on the field. We have high hopes for you but a lot will depend on whether you decide to talk to Mark in future. Been a bit sulky, haven't we? I know you miss Sasa but it's time to move on and grow up. Brush up on the concept of the 'short' pass, ok? C+. And you're grounded!

Rudan - Mark, you're a new boy and we had hopes you'd be a prefect. So far we're satisfied. That's all. I didn't say happy. No more talk about your old school, concentrate on where you are now. Remember, if the backline fails, whoever is at fault, it's your responsibility. C+. You're too old for homesickness.

Fyfe - Iain, now you're a day boy in your home town rather than a boarder elsewhere, maybe you think life will be easier. It will be if you don't improve because you'll be orange boy for the rest of the season. Prove to us you're more than a plodder. Fight for the team and improve your skills. C. Just.

Jamo - This is hard for me, lad, but you're suspended for a week. Out of the team. You play with your heart but you've lost your head - and you've forgotten what it means to defend. You cost us a penalty. Yes, he's a big, soft fairy but you used your hands - again! It's called football for a reason, son. Sit out a week, have a think and come back with your passion in the right place. You can do anything, Scott, but you're still part of a team. I'll talk to Mr Vidmar about playing you in midfield. Can't promise he'll listen. B. Let your feet do the talking.

Mullen - Nice to see you back, Daniel. You did ok the other night and we know you've been working hard to get your place back. It's not secure though. Work. Work. Work. Lots of competition for your spot. Have you thought of playing centre-back? C+. Be scared.

Marrone - Michael, you set the world on fire in first term and we're all keen to see you back. You might be one of the younger lads in the team but we've seen enough to know that you'll go far. B+. Come back soon.

Hughes - To be honest, I'm sick of the sight of you, Adam. You run and run - but so does a headless chook. And to the same end. Nothing. You're out of the team. Work on your skills. Decide what you can do and get better at it. Give Mr Vidmar back the photos you stole from his home or you're expelled. D. This isn't Ireland.

Sarkies - Well, Kristian, you've proven me wrong. I thought I'd be expelling you this year but, in a horrible game, you were best on ground last week. Full of run, passion, skill and steel. If you keep playing like this you'll still be here next year. B. Most improved.

Reid - Paul, to say we miss you is like saying that to live, one has to breathe. I'm making you captain when you come back - if you stay fit. Please stay fit. Take young Kristian in hand. B+. A class above.

Dodd - Travis, on your night you're Premier League standard. On others... words fail me. I know you're not a centre forward and I'll talk to Mr Vidmar about that. Get back on that wing. Cut in. Forget the captaincy thing, it's weighing you down. Get out there and show us the magic again. Trust yourself. You can cut up any defence in the country. B. Remember why you play the game.

Pantelis - Lucas, you're the boy with the big smile. You even score goals. Why then do I feel the need to tell you that your starting days are over? I want you to prove me wrong, boy, but this is the last chance saloon. You're too comfortable in this school. It's a big, cold world out there, Lucas, and you're very close to being in it on your own. C. Lift your game.

Barbiero - Fabian, you're a rare talent and we're happy to give you a couple more weeks to show it to us again. I will instruct Mr Vidmar NOT to play you on the wing again. Central, attacking midfield. We think that you're the future. We think that you're a number 10. Show us we're right. Shoot. Terrorise. Pass. Tackle. B. Make me give you an A!

Leckie - A good start, Matt. You've shown up a lot of the older boys. Keep it up when you're better. Oh, and learn to pass to a team-mate in a better position to score. This isn't Under 12s anymore. No time for heroes. Got that? B+. Eyes up.

Shin - It's hard to be an exchange student, Ins...Inseo...um, Shin. We all realise that. But you're doing well. I saw you in the Bs and you looked good. Keep working away and you'll make it. Your passing and vision are excellent, just don't try too hard. C+. For effort.

Cassio - No-one I like to watch play more than you, Cassio, but you're too old to be sulking. I'll be asking Mr Vidmar to put you back in defence where you belong. If he does then show us that we were right to do so. Learn to laugh again, son, it's only a game. The school loves you, remember that. B. Joie de vive.

Alemao - You're a good player, young man, but no-one seems to know where to play you. What are you like at centre-forward? You're a bit of a puzzle, lad. Cricket needs all-rounders but football...? C+. Are you listening?

Cristiano - You were a winner, Cristiano - last year. Top of the class. You might run like a duck but you shot like a star. But if dropping you for weeks produces one good game then that's not enough. So you're dropped again. Complain all you like about the service but to miss when one-on-one doesn't cut it. If your mind's on another school already then go there now. If you want to stay then show us that you care. D+. Not good enough.

Owusu - When you're on a scholarship and you tell the world you should be then you have to deliver, Lloyd. And I don't mean pizzas or snappy one-liners. Goals, son. You're not Dwight Yorke, you're just a naughty boy. Couldn't be more disappointed. Don't bother pointing fingers. Stop rehearsing your celebrations and spend more time sprinting and shooting. You're out of the team. D. Have we wasted our money?

Monterosso - Francesco, polish your boots. You may not be in on merit but you can hardly do worse than the two older boys I just dropped. Show them up and keep them out.  Chances like this come up very rarely. Grab it and you could be on your way. No mark as yet. Show us what you're made of.

Mr Vidmar - A coach's best  resource is the admiration of his students. They want to play for him then. His worst enemy is becoming the friend of some of them. Playing favourites and bully at the same time doesn't work. You've lost the team and you're just treading water. It's not going to be a good year so take some risks and start marking fairly again. Clean sheet for everyone, eh? Even you. We still believe in you. We saw the results you got last year with a difficult group. The school applauded. This year the school is starting to wonder if you have an evil twin. I know you're not a maths teacher but there are equations other that 4-2-3-1. Some of them even work. But you often have to attempt them more than once.  Let me worry about school finances. This week choose your best team on form - not formulas. C. Not happy, Aurelio.

I'm now handing this over to the other staff and students so they can add their remarks.