THIS time last season, I watched as fans of the various A-League clubs reviewed the performances of their players at the midway point of the season. I can’t deny it, I was jealous.
While GC United were still assembling a squad for a season still 9 months away, fans had a chance to consider real performances.
Fast-forward 12 months and now Gold Coast fans have the same privilege of considering how that squad has performed in its first 14 A-League efforts. Do we think Culina is performing to the lofty standards expected of him? Was it worth us bringing Vanstrattan home? Is Minniecon justifying the fairly generous wages to which his youth marquee status entitles him?
It might be simple enough to answer those questions with either the short answer of 'yes, with an if...' or long answer of 'no, with a but..', or it might be moderately interesting to give each player a grade and short comment. But I wanted to do something different.
So, in the interest of capturing the wave of popularity that's following TV's MasterChef around lately, here are my assessments of some of GC United's key players complete with quasi-insightful food similes:
Scott Higgins
Creamy potato mash with bacon and chives
No-one really even noticed when Miron served up this back-up keeper, but even in the absence of supposed main course Vanstrattan, Giggles has proved a worthy of more than 'filler' status and has held his own at A-League level.
3 stars
Michael Thwaite
Traditional Caesar salad
Miron has been moving him around the menu a lot, from an entree dish (getting in early on attacking moves playing out of the back) to a side (at right back or right midfield) and also a main course (key stopper in defence). No matter where he's put, he seems to do the job. Except against Wellington.
4 stars
Bas van den Brink
Dutch pannekoek (savoury pancake served with smoked bacon)
He's Dutch. He does a great job filling in at the heart of defence. He's got bacon... mmm bacon. We didn't know much about him in Australia before he signed, but he's certainly proved himself a winner.
5 stars
Kristian Rees
500 g T-bone steak with chips and salad
Without a doubt, Rees is the biggest dish on offer. He may not be particularly refined, but the menu wouldn't be complete without him. Don't expect too much of him, and you'll be able to enjoy him for what he is.
2 stars
Steve Pantelidis
Chilli-beef pie
Thinks he packs a punch, but really he's a little mild. Often just leaves a poor taste in the mouth because the meat is too tough. Needs to work on quality and accept that the chilli is just there to enhance the meal. Has the potential to be a much more popular dish.
1 star
Robson
WA dhufish with lemon butter sauce and Moroccan spiced vegetables
Robson just has that little bit of class that makes this dish a winner. Doesn't necessarily stand out unless you're a connoisseur, but everything about it is good and if you give yourself the chance you'll enjoy it immensely.
4 stars
Jason Culina
Warm chocolate mud cake with vanilla ice-cream
A good dessert can pull a meal together, and Jason Culina similarly pulls the rest of the team together. Sometimes the only problem is that, as a sweet, he gets frustrated at the lack of sugar and flavour in some of the other dishes in the menu. Needs to be calmer as the highlight of the meal, and focus on adding that touch of class rather than trying to drag everyone else up to his level.
4 stars
Zenon Caravella
Home-style chicken and mushroom risotto
A bit of a lightweight on the menu, Zenon doesn't really offer much despite the promise. Perhaps needs to cut the 'home-style' out of his game; perhaps the extra class could come with a quality white wine for flavouring. Has potential but doesn't capture the imagination at present.
2 stars
Tahj Minniecon
Marinated kangaroo skewer tapas
A genuinely impressive but all too rarely served dish. When tasted at its best, it leaves you wanting more. Perhaps someone needs to have a word with the chef to see if he can organise a chance to shine as a main course.
3 stars
Shane Smeltz
Roast lamb and vegetables with rosemary and mint sauce
What else would you expect for the Kiwi superstar? Doesn't have the "wow" factor of other A-League stars like Hernandez or Fowler, but he's an absolute favourite dish and never falls short of expectations.
5 stars
Joel Porter
Thai jungle curry
Everyone loves a Thai curry. Similarly, everyone loves Joel Porter. He's having a great season. But just like the jungle curry, in my opinion, is lacking because it's missing the coconut milk, Joel Porter's game is missing one thing - more goals!
4 stars
Finally, apologies must go to Anderson, Fitzsimmons, Osman, Milson, Traore, Vanstrattan and the other players who've featured minimally this season. You didn't make the menu. The onus is on you to impress head chef Miron Bleiberg in the kitchen, and maybe he'll give you more chances to impress the public.
Bon appétit!
