“IF YOU want entertainment,” said irate Stoke City manager Alan Durban in the 1980s, “go and watch clowns!” After yet another last-minute equaliser by the Mariners, I know just how he feels.

Durban was incensed with journalists who had criticised his tactics at the time, saying he was more concerned with results than with playing ‘entertaining’ football. But what’s more important?

The media and match commentators have salivated over the Mariners' entertaining capacity to fight back from behind, but I’m beginning to get fed up with hearing the phrases “comeback kings” and “never write them off”.

After seven draws this season, most of them “backs-against-the-wall” scenarios, would it be tempting fate to ask Santa for a couple of simple 1-0 victories?

I found myself pondering this dilemma during the seemingly endless first half of Saturday’s match, when I had resorted to eating an apple to fill in the tedious wait for the Mariners to Turn It On, as we all know they can.

Now I know a lot of people drink at football matches, but most of the time I like to keep a clear head. I have this pathetic need to feel every moment of pain and excitement to the full - and anyway, frequent trips to the bar/bathroom might mean missing some earth-shattering moment.

But the truth is, the whole crowd knew that the earth was not going to move during that first half. Eating an apple stopped me from sighing, while the crunching noise helped drown out the ludicrous crowd comments towards players and match officials as the clock crawled towards 45 minutes. (Did you know, for example, that women can’t be effective assistant refs because their lady bumps get in the way? Does FIFA know about this ?)

The reassuring sight of Wilko came on the big screen at half-time to give kids the lowdown on electricity safety. “Hey kids, did you know electricity is invisible?” He asked, cheerfully. “No it isn’t,” I wanted to say, as I caught a tantalising glimpse of the injured Matt Simon, “it’s down there in a blue tracksuit!”

All around the stadium you could hear the whispers, feel the yearning for the spark that Simon has brought to the frontline all season. No time for fruit eating when he’s on the pitch – just light the fuse and stand well back. Sure, there are other players who light up Bluetongue, but he seemed like the missing ingredient on Saturday: the strawberry that makes the fruit salad sweeter.

Exhausted by struggling with fruit metaphors, I waited for the inevitably ‘entertaining’ second half. I could almost hear the commentators breathless with excitement, see tomorrow’s headlines.

Mariners fans knew a late goal was coming just like we knew the stifling heat was bound to be broken by rain. And there it was: Gumps’ beautiful strike at 83 minutes and the crowd, overjoyed and urging the team on to get another one.

Hutcho’s glorious near miss in the dying moments was for me, the highlight of the game. But guys – why did you make us wait so long ?

Yes, it’s amazing to support a team that’s capable of fighting back so hard. And sure enough, it makes for great entertainment at times, except when you watch your team slip on that banana skin out of the top four.

Clowning around in the first half and then setting the pitch on fire in the second just won’t cut it at the pointy end of the season. Next week all I’m hoping for is a dull but decisive victory. No “last minute wonder strikes”, no tortured superlatives from Andy Harper, just a single perfect goal.

Bring on the “Boring Mariners”. Hey - we’ll still love you in the morning.

Andy Harper’s Words-of-the-Week are : triumvirate, gauntlet and exponential. Using all three in a sentence may cause permanent injury.