I CAN'T imagine it's a common occurrence that a fully professional football club disappears off the face of the earth, but we seem to be getting quite good at having it happen here in New Zealand.

Mohammed Bin Hammam has been spouting off again, even after Frank Lowy had a word with him at the AFC conference over the weekend. The AFC president told ESPN’s Soccernet that the only way the Phoenix could remain in the A-League after 2011 is if the club becomes legally an Australian club based in New Zealand.

That situation would mean New Zealanders would become foreign players for not only the other nine clubs, but Wellington Phoenix as well, pretty much negating the point of having a team in New Zealand in the first place.

So this is an invocation addressed to Kevin Rudd.

Mr Rudd,

Once you guys are sure you’re all done in Iraq, maybe you could send your brave boys and girls over for a bit of a dust up and earn some credibility back by launching an invasion where no one gets hurt. Perhaps we could become the Eastern Territories, or even an administration under the guidance of NSW like back in the old days.

We’ve got plenty of dairy and wool exports for you to profit from, and they’re even looking for oil all over the place! We’re a hard-working and industrious people, but we need to learn how to run an economy. Maybe you could do that for us. Many New Zealanders live in Australia and vice-versa, also our cultures are very similar, and so assimilation should be a breeze.

We have many talented athletes, who could represent Australia with great success, but we may need to keep ourselves separate in Rugby, or Australia would take the All Blacks name, just to keep insurgents from popping up.
Don’t worry about hostile things said in the past; we are just jealous we missed federation nearly 108 years ago.

Invasion should not be hard, as our SAS troops are in Afghanistan and our other soldiers aren’t allowed to play with the guns, because the previous government wouldn’t let us buy new ones if they broke. We do have some boats, but they’re not very big and one of them is stuck in Melbourne.

I sincerely hope you consider this proposition.

If it is too hard, or you feel it not worth your time, please pass the message on to Governor General Quentin Bryce and Queen Elizabeth, so perhaps they could arrange something.

Also could Ben Buckley possibly send some Football Missionaries over to preach the gospel of the world game, pretty please?

Regards,

James Malthus,
TYTV (Too Young To Vote)