They say a man's home is his castle. The carport, the tool shed, the plasma TV, the jousting sticks...
While the rest of Perth revels in the aftermath of Robbie Fowler's signing like some kind of post-coital bliss, yours truly is digging deeper and asking the unaskable; cutting right to the heart of the matter, plus whatever other journalistic rhetoric I can muster. Fowler has signed for Perth; that much we know. But the real question here remains unanswered...
Just where's he going to live?
As you may know, our new mate Robbie was ‘a bit of a club legend' back in Liverpool. Now, Liverpool's a large industrial shithole with plenty of ships spilling petrol into the water; so what's better for our Robbie than WA's own Merseyside paradise, Kwinana?
Container ships and industrial barges dot the horizon and make for spectacular sunsets when combined with the toxic haze that descends from the smokestacks of the petrol refinery. Large trucks roar up and down the road all day, and - combined with the local bogan populace's fleet of HQ Holdens - they ensure that you're never found wanting for transport.
Kwinana's local drag races are a cultural event for the ages - mechanical, alcoholic, and polluted, they are everything a local resident aspires to be. The local beaches are just inches from industrial plants and a main highway, and tracksuit wearing chavs abound in the local borough of Rockingham - just like home!
Of course, if Robbie wants a more ‘inner city' vibe he could always move to Subiaco, home of Perth's most elite movers and shakers. Observe here streets that have been closed to cars, and a small market stall - just like London!
If the Fowlers have ever lusted after the high life, then Subiaco's definitely the place to experience it. Just down the road is the world-famous Subiaco Oval, home of Australia's premier football team, the West Coast Eagles. Currently situated thirteenth in the AFL Premier League, the team's superstar players are well-known celebrities around town. Names like Tim Houlihan, Tony Notte, and Beau Wilkes are the envy of men and women everywhere - and Fowler would soon ‘rob' shoulders with them all!
Plus, it must be remembered that Subiaco is the only major city anywhere in the world that has a coffee shop, a cinema, and a bookstore all on the same street. And just look at all those pointy shoes!
Of course, some people don't want the hustle and bustle of city life - sometimes you just want to settle down with a group of people just like you. In Englishman Robbie's case, that's Perth's satellite city, Joondalup. Originally the home of a variety of animals, like tiger snakes and Baby Boomers, this iconic Australian city is now a thriving migrant ghetto.
In the inner city you have the South African quarter; noted for its esteemed private schools and curious lack of indigenous Australians. Then there’s the more subdued Wanneroo, just outside the CBD, whose lack of corporate high-fliers is counter balanced by its incredible artists and eductional theme parks:
Alternatively, one could spend time in the old Scottish town of Kinross, where drunken teenagers stumble around at night throwing bottles of Irn-Bru at passing cars that display ‘I Love Barnsley' stickers. Or for those with an adventurous spirit, there is always Mindarie-on-Sea, the coastal village through which Joondalup receives the entirety of its food supplies.
But you would imagine that the Fowler family didn't just move over to drink fine British ale. No - they wanted a better life, the sort of life that can only be found in Western Australia's Swan Valley. A small settlement inhabited by Italian market gardeners and Croatian goathandlers, the Swan Valley is home to many world famous artisans - like the guy who does those metal sculptures, and the old woman who stacks rocks in her front yard.
It's far enough from Perth to be relaxed and idyllic - yet close enough to Midland for the comforts a city can provide:
Muggings, stabbings, and random acts of arson are all just a stone's throw away. Should Fowler ever miss the sweet smell of a drunkard bathed in his own spew, a trip to midland will soon ease his pain. The valley is great for the kids, too - with the local school now officially doubling in size to encompass both the barn and the pig pen!
As you can see, there can be no doubting the Fowlers' decision to move to Perth - a city more vibrant and cultural than any other. Why, Robbie will now be able to watch cup on the big screen in Northbridge plaza - as long as the games are shown before it's switched off at the kids' bedtime.
Perth. There's simply no other choice for former EPL stars. Truly, it is a city built for kings. Or, in this case, a city built for God himself.
(All images used with permission of the outrageously funny Worst of Perth)
