Some months ago we had the pleasure of having a grand old time at the 2010 version of the annual Perth Glory awards night. Unfortunately, due to a disastrous rip in the space-time continuum, it now seems this night never happened - instead, it only occurred last Friday, March 26. This seems to have had all sorts of consequences for our universe - for example, Sydney FC won something. Frankly, with all the media attention on global warming and evil capitalist bankers these days, I think we're possibly ignoring the threat to our way of life posed by the owner of this particular vehicle:
In any case, with my parallel reality destroyed, there's naught to do but report on this one...
Most Glorious Youth Player
My Prediction: Ludovic Boi & Reece Vittiglia
Winner: Dean Evans
While Boi and Vittiglia scored nine goals between them this season in the National Youth League - Ludo earning his first A-League call-up in the process - it wasn't quite enough to stop stoic defender Dean Evans from grabbing the youth team version of the Most Glorious Player award. One of the team's most regular performers, the former Stirling Lions player must now surely be knocking on the door of a senior contract.
Supporters' Player of the Year
My Prediction: Mile Sterjovski
Winner: Andy Todd
In 2029, a seemingly unstoppable cyborg assassin was sent back in time by a collective of artificially intelligent computer-controlled machines bent on the extermination of the human race. In 1974, a newborn baby in Derby killed it with a single punch to the face. That baby's name was Andrew John James Todd. Known to his friends as Andy, his fans as God, and to A-League strikers as "OH FUUUUUU-" Todd has single-handedly shown the difference in class between the A-League and England. The fans love the guy, and their rage at finding he was excluded from the A-League team of the year was only tempered by the realisation of who that team had to line up against - him. Poor bastards... after all, there's only eleven of them...
QBE Players' Player of the Year
My Prediction: Jacob Burns
Winner: Andy Todd
While Jacob Burns was collecting his trophy in our parallel universe, Andy Todd was busy making sure that universe never existed. Forget the TARDIS; frankly, it's more than likely Mr Todd went back and sorted Father Time out himself. In any case, it's good to see that it isn't just the fans who heap praise on our Andy - and his peers judge him the top of the class. In fact, it seems everyone liked the guy - as proved when he was also voted the Volunteers' Player of the Year.
Golden (Purple) Boot
My Prediction: Branko Jelic
Winner: Mile Sterjovski
In some parallel dimension, Branko Jelic has just booted 20 or so goals and Glory have taken out their inaugural A-League Championship. In this dimension however, he has been injured, unfit, or generally under the weather. Yet he still managed only one goal less than our overall top scorer Mile Sterjovski. What's more, late-season signing Daniel McBreen played just a fraction of the season for us and he also managed just one goal less than Sterjovski. Clearly, this award shows exactly where Perth need to improve next year.
Best Clubman
My Prediction: Jamie Harnwell
Winner: Naum Sekulovski
Naum Sekulovski has always been known as the joker of the pack; a nice bloke off the park, good for a laugh and for squad morale, but never quite the full package on the pitch. Therefore, it's not really surprising to see him pick up the award for best clubman. Yet to simply say that this is where Sekulovski's contribution ended would be to commit a grave error. So often a target of supporters in the past for not making enough of an impact, Naum has been played in nearly every position bar goalkeeper in his Glory career. But this year he has made the left back position his own - and going forward, he is one of the most dangerous fullbacks in the league. It's a performance - and a brave coaching decision from Dave Mitchell - that deserves a good round of applause.
Most Glorious Player
My Prediction: Mile Sterjovski & Chris Coyne
Winner: Andy Todd
Who else could take out the highest individual honour available to Perth Glory players but ‘Sir' Andy Todd? Defenders have always featured prominently in the MGP's history - Scotty Miller, Danny Hay, Gavin Wilkinson, David Tarka and (shudder) Nikolai Topor-Stanley. However, even the most cynical of Glory supporters could not deny the fact that Andy Todd is vastly superior to most, if not all, of the above names. If the Glory fullbacks (and the rest of the team) had the same timing, positional awareness, and plain football know-how that Todd and his central defensive partner Chris Coyne have displayed this season, chances are the team would have finished a lot higher up the table.
More than anything, Todd has displayed heart, passion, and a pride for the purple shirt that have sorely been missing for these past few years. When you consider he doesn't even come from our country - let alone my home city - is it any surprise that fans, his peers, and the rest of the club have been left in awe of his performances this season? Make no mistake - Andy Todd is a most deserving winner of this award. He even turned his attention to next season as he accepted it via video message; saying that the team had underachieved this year and it was up to them all to improve on their placing next season.
Unfortunately when Andy came charging through time, crushing strikers and destroying parallel timelines, he also forgot to bring the hessian sack I used to hand out some extra awards elsewhere in history. Luckily, I've the trusty sack sitting under my desk right now, so here's some little-known but no less honourable prizes....
The Numb Arse Trophy
My Prediction: Aleks Vrteski
Winner: Aleks Vrteski
The numb arse trophy; crafted of the finest pine, it is the pinnacle of benchwarming achievement. Second-string goalies are often the favourites for such awards, and in this case it's no surprise to see three game goalie Aleks Vrteski pick up the prize. It's no fault of Aleks, mind you - I just happen to think Tando Velaphi is a superior keeper, and David Mitchell is evidently in agreement. Being a reserve can be a tough gig, so at least he gets something to remember the season by...
Hayden Foxe Golden Moon Boot
My Prediction: Andy Todd
Winner: Jamie Harnwell and Branko Jelic
Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Not only did I predict that the now-legendary Andy Todd - whom I described as an "ageing English defender" - would spend the majority of the season injured, but it turns out I've awarded the boot to another Glory icon in Jamie Harnwell. Someone please shoot me before I'm smited by Todd himself! Jamie, Branko - I'm sorry. But you were injured or unfit on a regular basis, and I must reluctantly hand the gold-plated moon boot to you. Still, on the upside - the lack of an Amaral, Tarka, or Foxe-like injury this season means that our fitness programme is getting better... or we've just been luckier.
Why Aren't You Starting Him, Fucken! Award
(Inspired by a pair of Greek and Italian ex-referees who sit in the Eastern Stand)
My Prediction: Scott Neville
Winner: Andrija Jukic
Both Victor Sikora and Andrija Jukic played in 17 games this A-League season. However, while Sikora accrued 1,224 minutes of game time, the young attacker managed only 549. Even the much-injured Jamie Harnwell, who played five less games than Jukic, tallied up over ten hours of competitive football this year. To me, it's no surprise that the Glory's best patch of form for the year happened to be when Jukic was playing for us most frequently. He combined well with Daniel McBreen, was an attacking foil to the hardworking midfield of McGarry and Burns, and constantly threatened the goal with long-range shots or accurate passes. If Perth are to develop their game further next year, they really need to be giving more game time to some of their local youngsters - especially when you consider the relative age of the rest of their squad.
The Pellegrino "We Thought You Were Crap But You're Not" Dedication Plate
My Prediction: Naum Sekulovski
Winner: Naum Sekulovski
I should point out that some Glory fans might cynically say that the Pellegrino name would be better suited to a "We thought you were crap, then we didn't, and now we do again" award - but I'm not going to get into that. Instead, I shall again laud the development of Sekulovski into a quality (A-League) left back, and tip my hat to a man I had previously written off as a waste of space - a squad player at best. Well done Naum; you're not quite as rubbish as we thought. Here, have a new plate. No, please don't sing...
HMAS Ron Smith Memorial Deadwood Trophy
My Prediction: Jimmy Downey
Winner: Jimmy Downey and Wayne Srhoj
Is he a winger? Is he a fullback? Is he just a sprinter who got lost at the AIS? Most probably. In any case, it was no surprise to see the good ship Downey sailing (very quickly) towards North Queensland towards the end of the year. Conversely, it was incredibly disappointing to see the service barge known as Wayne Srhoj start the season with a bang and then chug slowly through the harbour gates come the season's end without a care in the world; almost as if it was carrying a full load of XXXX and Big Macs. Someone deploy the sea mines...
There we have it. Despite severe damage to time and space, some things remain constant across our realities - Naum has the power to surprise, and Jimmy Downey was always going to leave Perth. But there's no doubt that the night belongs to Andy Todd. Far from the mediocre and injury-prone signing I once feared him to be, he instead takes home four awards and sets his sights on climbing the table next year. Proving that while the body might be getting older, there's simply no substitute for class.
P.S. - Mr Todd, please don't kill me...
