Early this morning - Australia Day - we won a famous victory against Uzbekistan to take us into our first Asian Cup final. Like Australia, Uzbekistan is a newish member of the Asian Confederation, but how much do we Australians know of Uzbekistan: its history and heroes?
Perhaps Uzbekistan's greatest hero was Timur (known in the West as Tamerlane) whose horde conquered vast swathes of Central Asia in the 1300s. Like many Asian conquerors of the mediaeval period, Timur was a mass of contradictions - a vicious, genocidal murderer of women and children who was also revered as a patron of the arts and builder of beautiful cities, such as Samarkand.
This morning we saw another Timur, who was equally a mass of contradictions. Timur Juraev kept Uzbekistan in the game with numerous world class saves against a rampant Australia, but in the 83rd minute he tamely allowed a tired shot from Robbie Kruse to trickle under his body to make it six nil.
It was an unfitting end to the game for Timur after such an excellent performance (none of the previous five were his fault, and he'd kept out plenty), but even the finest goalkeepers can let in howlers.
Some of my favourites are as follows:
David James v Austria (2004): Calamity James was already a Howler of some note when he took the field that evening against an Austrian side not expected to seriously trouble England. In fact, James had been in very good form and had been howler-free for some time - long enough to have reclaimed the England jersey - but alas, Andreas Ivanschitz's shot from a long way out rolled under James to help cancel out a two goal lead.
At the 2010 World Cup, with James still lurking in the wings, England turned to Robert Green, the West Ham custodian, who had been in tremendous form leading into the tournament. But in the first match against the USA, Clint Dempsey's 30 metre tiddler somehow managed to squeeze through Green's expert hands after England had led one nil. The game finished in a draw.
Mark Bosnich must have enjoyed Massimo Taibi's Howler shortly after Taibi had been brought in put pressure on Bosnich during his too-short tenure at United. Versus Southampton, Taibi managed to get his entire body behind Le Tissier's soft shot from 25 metres, but despite his careful and orthodox technique, the ball squeezed between his legs and dribbled over the line. Fergie's face was priceless.
Manchester United, for all their silverware, have been strangely well-served by Howler-keepers. Fabian Barthez was more than generous to Arsenal and particularly to his France team mate Thierry Henry - once allowing the ball to roll under his body for Henry to regather and stroke home, and on another occasion, passing the ball straight to Henry on the edge of the box after first taking care to ensure that he was out of position to prevent Henry's tap in.
Even Peter Schmeichel, regarded by many as the greatest keeper of all time, once found a way, under zero pressure, to slice a clearance into the path of a Barnsley player all by himself in front of goal.
Another outstanding effort was Shay Given versus Coventry, when Given actually had control of the ball but rather sportingly placed it on the ground so that the player behind him could suddenly swoop and tap into an empty net. This Howler technique has also been favoured by Roy Carroll and, in recent times, Petr Cech.
No list of Howlers is complete without special mention for Peter Enckelman who, while being closed down by nobody, went nonchalantly to control a throw in from his team mate, Olaf Mellberg. Of course, nonchalance should be employed in moderation in professional football matches - Enckelman watched in dismay as the ball bobbled over his foot and continued its journey to the net.
Enckelman's effort was pretty good (and has been enjoyed millions of times on TV and YouTube), but pales into mediocrity when you consider the degree of difficulty involved in throwing the ball into your own net. First perfected by Gary Sprake for Leeds in 1967 while attempting to throw the ball out to a team mate, his effort has been copied in numerous professional leagues including the J-League, the Austrian and the Polish league.
In more recent times and closer to home, Tando Velaphi, while an unbelievable shot stopper on his day, has developed a reputation as the A-League's pre-eminent Howler. His effort last season to gift the Mariners a draw in the last minute was noted by good judges, but his clanger last weekend against Wellington is his best Howler to date. With the ball bouncing off the crossbar and destined to fall back into play for a tap in, Tando saved Wellington the effort by leaping nimbly into the air and backhanding the ball into his own net.
These are all fine examples, but the greatest ever Howler was achieved by none other than Yours Truly playing for the Dartford Town Sewer Pigs against Beecroft in 1995. The necessary preconditions were: lush, thick grass on the first day of the season, and my brand new boots with quite long studs. Early in the first half, Beecroft worked a short corner, resulting in a shot from the corner of the box. It was partly blocked by one of my team mates, then another team mate tried to clear the ball but whacked it into the back of our captain, causing the ball to rebound into the goal mouth. I went to dive on the ball, but my long studs caught in the thick grass and I crashed to the turf like a bull in an abattoir. In so doing, the ball flew off the top of my head, hit a team mate in the face and bounced over the goal line.
We got the last six touches before an unintentional own goal, and I'm claiming that as a record (not counting some rather scandalous intentional own goals scored over the years).
All keepers have been responsible for Howlers. All have known that wanting-the-earth-to-open-up-and-swallow-you feeling that follows major keeper malfunction. But for pathetic non-entities like me, the only salvation is that I don't have to watch countless replays on YouTube.
Unlike Peter Enckelman and, after this morning, Timur Juraev.
Adrian Deans is the author of Mr Cleansheets - published by Vulgar Press, distributed by Dennis Jones and Associates and available in all good book stores.
