Some people will tell you: "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game that matters."
For such people, heady victory or dire defeat are irrelevant details and subordinate to the higher principles of fair play and encouraging decency.
Such people are idiots.
Football is allegorical warfare and anyone who is unprepared for 90 minutes of total war is not fit to play the game. In particular, the more highly evolved and competitive among us should be looking for any advantage they can take out of any conditions, including the conception and execution of Dirty Tricks.
If you are a fellow of noble spirit and high principle who believes that the playing of the game should be determined solely in accordance with adequate preparation, hard work and God's whim, this article is not for you. But if, instead, you are a creature of loose morality and rat cunning, who believes that cheating itself is an art form and that the outcomes of football matches are none of God's damn business...read on.
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At 173 centimetres (five feet nine inches in the old scale) I was short for a goalkeeper. Of course, I had all the usual keepers' skills - agility, positioning, timing etc, but opposing teams would take one look at me and immediately start bombarding my box with high balls.
Constant high balls are a worry for most keepers because when you have to take your eye off the incoming forwards and leap into the air, you're vulnerable to embarrassment or injury or both. The orthodox technique is to attempt to catch or punch the ball at your highest point, the theory being that strikers attempting to get to the ball legitimately will be running to a different spot on the ball's trajectory, so you ought to be safe.
The trouble is, there are lots of bodies in the box and they're not all playing the game legitimately. Therefore, you need to discourage the enemy from getting too close to you. It will assist your own vertical leap if you raise your knee as you take off, but it will also send a very clear message to the enemy that they challenge you at their peril. Copping a knee in the face or studs to the groin is not a fun thing and no referee in the world will penalise you for it. The high balls will soon dry up when the crossers notice that the short (but vicious) goalkeeper is no longer being challenged.
Related to this is the problem of corners where the short goalkeeper is marked by an opponent whose purpose is to impede his passage to the ball. Again, this behaviour must be discouraged. My favourite method was to accidentally step onto the marker's foot as the corner was hit and take off from there. Referees and linesmen will 99% of the time be watching the ball, or the jostling players between the six yard box and the spot. They will not see the subtly employed instep take-off and, in any case, will have little sympathy for cynical keeper-impeders. If the fellow whose foot you've damaged is potentially large and violent, it is important to apologise profusely, as though it really was an accident. He may even believe you...until it happens again.
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In order to prevent a ball from passing between goalposts it helps to know where they are. One of the many problems of playing at less than elite level is that you can find yourself playing on bumpy, boggy and poorly marked pitches. When the lines are unclear, it is easy to lose your sense of where the goals are, meaning that you can show too much of the goal to the enemy. This can lead to awkward moments with your team mates (especially when you let a ball go that you think is going wide).
In the old days, keepers used to mark a line in the muddy turf with their heel to show the centre of the goal (and/or the posts), but such behaviour was outlawed back in the 70s. I always find a piece of shiny tape and poke it partly into the ground (to keep it in place) at the edge of the box, and every ten seconds or so I glance at the tape to keep my bearings (I tend to move a lot). But be careful how you go about this - it can actually get you a yellow card. Don't ask me why - just make sure that the referee or his assistants aren't watching when you place your markers.
Of course, on a properly marked pitch, the penalty spot would be the centre of your universe and the mark you use to keep your bearings - but even a clearly marked spot can be misleading. Very recently, while playing in goals for the mighty Avoca FC Gummysharks against Terrigal, I noticed as I walked onto the pitch that the penalty spot was off-centre. In fact, well off centre, by nearly a metre.
Immediately, I knew what I'd be doing if I had to face a penalty, and sure enough: at 2 - 1 down, just before half time, the referee points to the spot. The striker with the vicious shot is placing the ball, and I'm wondering: will he notice?
He doesn't notice. He places the ball on the spot. I'm standing in the centre of the goal so the ball is about a metre to my left. I take another step to my right.
As the striker approaches the ball, it looks to him as though I am way out of position and all he has to do is pass it in, but as he looks down a pace or so from the ball, I've taken two quick strides to my left and I was actually laughing as I booted the ball off the goal line when he stroked it straight at me.
We went on to win 5 - 2, but all keepers understand the significance of an important save at a crucial moment. If we'd gone 3 - 1 down, right on halftime, it might have been a different story.
So the morals of today's lesson in the fine art of sleazery are:
- Protect yourself from strikers who might try to exploit their height advantage or impede your path to the ball;
- Take steps to correct the groundsman's work if the line markings are inadequate; and
- Always be on the lookout for any condition, unusual or otherwise, that might give you an advantage.
Not sleazy at all when you think about it.
Adrian Deans is the author of Mr Cleansheets - published by Vulgar Press, distributed by Dennis Jones and Associates and available in all good book stores.
