Oh dear, who thought of this? Brazil, Portugal and Cote D'Ivoire in one group, playing for two spots... and North Korea for goal difference cannon fodder. Any of Brazil, Portugal and Cote D'Ivoire could go all the way to the final if they get out of this group, but one of them won't and it will be a battle royale to determine whom that might be.
But beyond the fact that three great teams must face off, the fates that brought these teams together obviously had a PhD in global footballing intrigue . Brazil's defence will for the most part be the work of Portugal's own Special One. On the other hand, Portugal's could field three players born in Brazil. And then there is Sven, coaching the most talented African team of all time and seeking revenge against Portugal for his ignominious defeat last time around the World Cup party.
For the neutral observer, this group is going to be immense fun.
So let's start with Brazil. five times champions and title favourites every time the World Cup is played outside of Europe. I'm not going to bore you with superlatives about this team. They all work. Just consider this: This World Cup, Brazil will field some of the best defenders in Serie A and therefore the world. "Huh?", "WTF?", I hear you ask. Well - let me just line them up for you: Julio Cesar (Inter) in goal, Maicon (Inter), Lucio (Inter), Thiago Silva (Milan), Juan (Roma) across the back, maybe put Filipe Melo (Juve) just in front of them.
With the likes of Gilberto, Danny Alves, Luisao, Fabio Aurelio and the Tottenham octopus Gomes on the bench, the best that Cristiano Ronaldo and Didier Drogba have to offer suddenly doesn't look all that threatening. But for all their awesome defensive strength as was ever the case, something even more formidable sits in front. Rest assured group G fans, they are still Brazil. There will be Ronaldinho. There will be Kaka. There will be Luis Fabiano and the Beast and the back-to-scary-form Robinho. If we pundits are really lucky, there will also be the Hulk. This is a team to win the World Cup. I mean, really...
... who could stop them?
Well, Sven, for one will have a plan. Sven always has a plan. Sometimes two. He's that sort of guy. Sven's plans won't be that sophisticated - he will play on the counter-attack like most of the teams in the World Cup, unless he is chasing a result, wherein he will attack. Two plans. Unlike, say, Pim though, Sven also has a team that will suit his plans perfectly. Is there a better one-up-front man going to the World Cup than Didier Drogba? With his club team-mate Solomon Kalou and the brilliant Yaya Toure linking up with him from midfield and the sublimely silky Didier Zokora playing out from defence, there is so much to like about Cote D'Ivoire.
Add in plenty of other big names in supporting roles, that fans of English and French football know all about. Yep, this is a quality team; a semi-final quality team at least, if they can get out of the group. Sven's biggest gift to his team will be to make this World Cup all about Sven - at least as far as the rest of the world is concerned. He will take the pressure off a team that would otherwise be dealing with the sort of pressure that being the best hope of a football mad, success starved continent playing on home turf for the first time, might bring. But instead everyone will talk about Sven...
... and Cristiano Ronaldo.
Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but four years in a deep-freeze tends to make the contents barely identifiable. Portugal certainly won't be dwelling on their hoodwinking efforts four years ago. The Portuguese know how precious World Cup appearances really are and will be focused on ensuring that once again they live up to their country's immense expectations. Portugal is currently the third ranked nation in the FIFA standings, and anything less than another semi-final will be seen as a poor return for a highly talented team.
Everything going as predicted this weekend and most of Portugal's defence will have an EPL Premiership medal around their necks - which might just annoy a few other team members and the coach, who are more commonly associated with Man U. Nevertheless, there are a few gaps in this Portuguese team and it remains to be seen if they can find that ability to click consistently that seemed to be missing throughout qualifying. But with Ronaldo, Deco, Nani and Simao driving the team forward, there should be no lack of X-factor and Portugal have a team that can get out of the group of death and potentially go all the way. And if Ronaldo is looking for his next great fashion look...
... he will, of course, be looking to North Korea.
That's right Group Gee'rs the "dear leader" of the bizarre hermit kingdom is apparently the world's foremost fashion icon. Kidding themselves seems to be the key attribute of North Koreans these days and anyone who thinks that their football team will get within a badly targeted missile's distance of the second round is a world class self-kidder.
If anything, North Korea's presence at the World Cup is evidence of the complete embarrassment that is the West Asian portion of the AFC. The best player is Jong Tae-Se, whom Victory fans will have seen leading the line for Kawasaki. The second best player occasionally makes the bench for FC Rostov in Russia.
North Korea will nevertheless have a large impact upon the group; it is likely that the team that comes third in the group will do so because they scored less goals against North Korea than the two teams above them. But the prospect of the North doing anything other than losing all three games is less realistic than a proven encounter with the mythical flying horse after which the team is named.
