First off let me say I'm as surprised as anyone to find inspiration in the comedic stylings of FIFA president, Sepp Blatter. His humorous confections - or Blatterisms as I like to call them - no doubt remind him of a more innocent age when a wife could be bought with a goat and two ripe bananas.
Who could forget his breakthrough suggestion to increase attendances at women's football matches by tightening the players' shorts? Ah, the simplicity of it all. Why wrestle with tricky marketing plans and skills development programs when all you need is a decent haberdasher?
More recently we've laboured through his flip-flops over the Qatar World Cup and whether 2022 should be shifted to a cooler month. The questions are endless, not least of which is whether I'll have to pack a cardi or leave it in the closet with my friend Bernard?
The latest thought bubble from the man-in-charge concerns installing a corruption clean-up crew. Frankly, leaving your ethics in the hands of FIFA seems about as risky as letting your Labrador off the leash at a Rugby League Mad Monday barbecue.
But enough of that - he might be a walking punchline but you have to admire a man of such generous proportions who retains a cat-like ability to always land on his feet. If the recent World Cup bidding process taught us anything it's that, whichever envelope you're opening, the winner is always Sepp Blatter.
That's not to say he is all obfuscation - which is my point (yes I do have one). Occasionally he tells it like it is, such as his recent pronouncement that football is more than a game.
Was he simply referring to the possibilities of parlaying FIFA influence into a substantial retirement package with a palatial holiday home on the Volga courtesy of Russia 2018? Surprisingly, no. This was about football's social and cultural reach (although he did have his eyes on the Nobel Peace Prize and another shot at the FIFA presidency at the time). It's not an original thought but a universal truth that deserves repeating, especially as it's been so poorly handled on the home front.
Consider the earlier Hyundai A-League campaign - 90 minutes 90 emotions. With the standard of play on the way up it has never been more apt. And yet the problem for HAL clubs has always been how to connect with fans during the other 1350 minutes of the day.
How have clubs gone about building these foundations, and by that I mean more than shopping mall visits and coaching clinics? What are their core beliefs and values? What do fans have to cling to besides 11 sweaty men on a pitch? Okay, granted, under the right conditions and lighting this can be appealing but my point stands.
Recently a HAL disciple asked via a fan forum if his club had a mission statement or charter. The fact that a paid up member even had to ask the question is worrying. More alarming was the response from the club's CEO that, yes, all these things were certainly in place but he was not able to go into too much detail.
What the HAL? Why ever not? Is there a reason fans aren't in on the secret? Obviously yes if the official A-League websites are anything to go by. I've seen more information on a Weeties box where packaging is required by law to answer the big question, "what's in it for me?"
The Brisbane Roar website possibly comes closest to enunciating a mission statement with reference to forging links, encouraging equal-opportunity participation and being an agent for change. Melbourne Heart defines the values of the club and only the North Queensland Fury site has a clearly articulated community policy. But you have to hunt pretty hard for most of it. Such details should be front and centre. They should be (figuratively speaking) woven into the fabric of the team shirt and every supporter's scarf. Click onto the FC Barcelona website and you're given a thorough rundown on why this is more than a club.
That's not to say HAL clubs aren't reaching out to fans. Just recently Clive Palmer stuck his beefy paw down Santa's stocking (something that would get him arrested in Qatar 2022) and pulled out a big wad of free tickets to sweeten the yuletide cheer for Gold Coast United fans. But those are one-offs and, to borrow from another ad campaign, fans want to be part of something bigger. They want to invest their money, passion and generations of offspring to a heartfelt cause.
Could it be that A-League clubs have launched themselves on a grand adventure without so much as a map for guidance? Or, if they have one, why are those in the backseat flying blind? Years ago a friend of mine bought me a mystery flight and we ended up in a vineyard. As gift ideas go it was pretty cool but it's no way to run your life - or a club for that matter.
Even Blatter knows football is more than a game. It has to be. Otherwise if your club is flubbing it at the bottom of the ladder, dishing up mediocrity or failing to deliver entertainment every time the team runs onto the park you have to ask - what possible reason is there for fans to keep coming back?
