The number one is ironically enough considered to be numero uno by the citizens of Brisbane town. Unlike Australia’s other capital cities, Brisbane’s urban area is governed by just one mega-council. The colonial state parliament building fronts 1 George Street and is comprised of only the one sitting house. And the CBD is broken down into a series of one-way streets which I can only assume is because it would be inappropriate to suggest that royalty goes both ways.

This love of one extends to the sporting arena where the ‘one team-one city’ ethos is practised in all three of the national club football competitions. The Broncos, Lions and Roar can count upon an entire city’s worth of band-wagoned support come finals time. And when they inevitably win, standing beside the footballers (I use the term loosely on this occasion) and the coaching staff is the club’s number one ticket holder.

I could not find an officially accepted definition of the role. So, for the purposes of this blog we will agree, but which I mean I will emphatically state, that a number one ticket holder is a person of varying levels of fame that for any number of reasons are officially sanctioned by the club to be a goodwill ambassador. The idea is that both parties benefit from the relationship.

The mega-successful Brisbane Broncos went straight for the top and can boast Prime Minister Kevin Rudd as their patron while Lachlan Murdoch is the club’s number one ticket holder. Across the river at Woolloongabba, the Lions-nee-Bears bestowed their honour upon long-term supporter and prominent property developer David Devine.

At Brisbane Roar FC, we have...well, no one actually.

When you don’t win all the time like the Broncos then billionaires and heads of government don’t want to bask in your reflected glory. And it is impossible to reward a long-term supporter when, at barely five years of age, the club is not long-term yet. It would be smarter for Brisbane Roar FC to utilise the position in a different manner.

Effectively what Brisbane Roar need at this stage is a high-profile Brisbane identity that can use their celebrity to maximise column inches in The Courier-Mail. It’s a simple marketing ploy and was recently utilised by the Football Federation of Australia in a textbook move that will forever be known as the “Kidman Kiss of Approval”.

Serious consideration should be given to christening the position with a suitably cringe-worthy, focus-group driven pun. Hence, I am dubbing the role “Brisbane Roar Mane Ticket Holder”. Mane, lion, roar - geddit? I know, it sucks.

Of course what sort of bad-pun sprouting blogger would I be if I did not provide a list of suggestions for my loyal and handsome readers to ridicule? Feel free to create your own drum roll sound effects at this point.

And the nominees are…

Bernard Fanning
Easily the coolest of the nominees, Bernie is a walking personification of Brisbane’s laidback lifestyle. His cross-demographic appeal is evidenced by the fact you can hear his band Powderfinger played on every radio station in town; from the fuddy-duddy AM frequencies to mainstream FM inanity and even the counter-culture touchstone that is 4ZZZ. In short, guys want to be him and girls want to be with him.

Stefan Ackerie
You know that you are famous when you are simply referred to by your first name. Stefan was a cultural icon of 1980s Brisbane – the decade that saw our city reach the apex of its adolescent awkward phase and publicly lose its virginity courtesy of Expo ‘88. Known for his self-promotion and bright pink powerboat, Stefan’s story of migrant to millionaire is the sort of narrative that fits within the traditions of our game in Australia. Of course, I’m not so sure if pink and orange are a good combination.

Gyton Grantley
The Logie-winning actor is a Brisbane lad and best known for his portrayal of Carl Williams on the television series Underbelly. His profile is still growing but the club could do worse than hitch their wagon to a shooting star. Although, for every Eric Bana or Nicole Kidman that escaped bad hair to hit Hollywood pay dirt, there is a Bruce Samazan, Daniel Amalm or Dieter Brummer that probably delivered your pizza last night. That reminds me, add Dougie the Pizza Boy to that list too.

Agro (Not Jamie Dunn)
I know it sounds a little strange but just give it a chance. Appointing a puppet to such an esteemed position would certainly capture a headline for the club, perhaps even outside of the sports section for a change. The kids will love his attitude, adults will giggle at the double-entendres and the club will hopefully be smiling all the way to the bank. Furthermore, Jamie Dunn is already contracted to one of the Roar’s official media partners at Southern Cross 4BC. I say, alter his contract when he’s not looking and force him to do it. Then simply feign innocence during any resulting legal action.

Nick Earls
It is more than likely that the Brisbane-based author doesn’t have the cross demographic appeal for the role. However, since I am a huge fan of his work I have decided to ignore that and nominate him anyway. I am by no means an expert but I am yet to find a Nick Earl’s novel that is not set in the ambiguity between staying and leaving our big, goofy home town. He obviously loves it here so let’s give him another reason to stay.

That is my list. All very worthy candidates but how do we decide who gets the nod? A some-holds-barred ‘Battle Roar-yale’ during the half-time interval at Suncorp Stadium should sort it out suitably. But who would win that particular scenario and should hair pulling be permissible? Also, who else deserves to be considered for the role? And, are my number one observations eerily reminiscent of the opening act of the Jim Carrey thriller The Number 23? Post your comments below.