Four-odd weeks out from kick off, the boys are establishing their rules for women for the World Cup. Which I have to admit are quite funny. But it does make me wonder about the flipside.
I mean, what are the rules for girls who love football? The ones who will not only not be trying to change the channel to girly shows and not asking stupid questions about the offside rule*, but who will be holding their own with the boys in terms of pure, uninterrupted, unadulterated World Cup watching?
If I were to list a few female football fan (ok, my) rules, they might include, in no particular order, that:
1. I reserve the right to appreciate both footballers' skills and their hotness. The latter doesn't cancel out the former.
2. Harry Kewell's groin is a matter of national interest.
3. So too is whether the uniforms fit well and are flattering (for the record, they need to do some work on Schwarzer's goalkeeper uniform. I mean, c'mon).
4. Given that I already know all the players and the rules of the game (and quite possibly better than you do), I don't need you to lean over me and give me some pointers. This isn't golf. This isn't pool.
5. Yes, girls who like and write about football are in the minority, but no, I don't want to get into a huge discussion about it with you while the game is on. Make a mental note to speak to me at a time outside the 90 minutes + injury time I fully — and uninterruptedly — intend to watch.
6. I'm not a morning person at the best of times, but will be operating on South African time throughout the World Cup. Call me before midday Australian Eastern Standard Time at your own peril.
7. No, I will not be dressing in teeny tiny Brazil bikinis ala the girls the cameras regularly flick to during the World Cup coverage because a) I'm not that kind of girl and b) because it's winter here.
8. I know boys like stats and it's impressive that you know who scored the match-deciding goal in the 700BC World Cup final between who knows who, but match stats are of little interest to me unless it's related to some key or quirky point and unless you deliver it to me in 25 compelling words or less. That look of my eyes glazing over? That's the look of my eyes glazing over.
9. What the WAGs are wearing warrants discussion and potential replication, particularly if it's Victoria Beckham's latest hairstyle.
10. If you are taller than 154cm and lack a Harry Potter-style invisibility cape, I will not be able to see over or through you. Please don't try to stand — or get between — [insert World Cup match of your choice] me and the TV.
11. I reserve the right to be grumpy if I'm unhappy about the outcome of a game (say, for example, Australia v Italy in 2006). It's not PMS. It's simply being — as you too have undoubtedly experienced — inconsolably devastated when your team loses.
12. David Beckham's achilles injury and subsequent World Cup sitting out is nothing less than a tragedy. Saying that he's rubbish and there are better players to fill his spot will earn you a girly slap to the face.
* you want to know about it, check out the salt-and-pepper-shaker explanation in Bend It Like Beckham, which has the added benefit of Jonathan Rhys Meyers as eye candy
