His computer has no "backspace" button because he doesn't make mistakes, he can do a wheely on a unicycle, José Mourinho was only hired after he turned Spurs down and, on Friday night, he will become the first player in A-League history to play 300-games with a single club.
His name is Leigh Broxham and, whilst only the last ‘fact’ may be true (I think), the 31-year-old is, without a doubt, one of the most beloved figures in not only Melbourne Victory’s history - but the A-League’s as a whole.
He is a walking, talking embodiment of a one-club man.
Throughout his tenure at AAMI Park, there was never a position – aside from goalkeeper – that Broxham couldn’t be plugged into in an emergency and do a job in. A string of seasons in which he never made less than 22 appearances began in 2009/10.
Now, ahead of his 300th A-League game against the Glory on Friday night, he is now a four-time A-League champion, three-time A-League premier, an FFA Cup winner, a Victory Medal winner and a one-time Socceroo.
Recent times, though, have not been so kind.
Victory sit second-bottom of the A-League table heading into round eight, with pressure mounting on new Head Coach Marco Kurz and a number of the club’s foreign signings.
It means that Perth Glory's imminent visit looms as a potentially defining moment of Victory’s season.
“I think coming up until Christmas, the next month, the four games are a thick line in the sand,” said Broxham.
“This game on the weekend, Perth are struggling a little bit too and we’re close to each other points wise so it is a little bit [of a line in the sand moment].
“We’ve had one other season where it was difficult and for whatever reasons that was. I was a younger player then so I didn’t understand everything so it’s a completely different feeling for me now.
“It’s probably 200 games on and I know the game a lot better and understand things. As part of the leadership group, you need to identify what’s going on.”
Despite being a legend of one of the most glamorous, well-funded and powerful clubs in Australia, Broxham’s rise to 300 games came from humble origins.
Though a Victorian U16 player of the year, graduate of the Victorian Institute of Sport and Knox City junior, Broxham broke both his feet in succession in 2006 and was unable to secure himself a contract in the burgeoning A-League.
Persisting, he was brought on board by then-Victory Head Coach Ernie Merrick as a train-on player and served as a team assistant and gear steward in order to allow him to at least earn some income as he pursued his professional footballing dreams.
Eventually earning a contract, he made his debut as 57th minute substitute for Steve Pantelidis in a 2-2 away to Perth Glory in round 19 of the 2006/07 season.
Victory employed a no-contact policy at their training sessions back then, Merrick preferring his squad work on their touch and ball skills without the prospect of a heavy tackle injuring someone ahead of a game.
Broxham, though, was an exception to the rule; the youngster frequently finding himself on the receiving end of a cheeky kicking from his then-captain and future-Head Coach Kevin Muscat.
“I think [Muscat] was a bit of a mentor to me, coming through,” Broxham recalled.
“He just tested me physically with the demands of the game at the time and it was kind of a… if we had a 50-50 he wouldn’t pull out. He wouldn’t hold anything back.
“It was a good apprenticeship for me at the time and I didn’t mind at all. I remember it clearly. It was a good way of learning and I’m thankful for it now.
“I’m not the biggest guy and it’s gotten me through games and through situations.”
Over a decade on from being on the receiving end of that extra attention from Muscat, Broxham – though never the featured attraction – has served as an underrated cog in the Victory machine in times both good and bad.