Arguing A-League Champions

Michael Flynn recounts the frustrations of pre-season arguments down the local.

It all began on a quiet afternoon at a sleepy, suburban pub.  A few mates, a few cold pints of ale and a few hours later an argument that was equalled in its passion only by its utter futility.

Following some well-worn advice, we steered clear of discussing politics, religion and the inanity that is so-called reality television.  It left us with but one subject – football, of course.

At first, the conversation merely meandered between the silly and the demented.  We pondered whether we should take up a collection to finance the return of Mark Shield?  We debated whether hoops were better than stripes or vice versa?  And, most bizarrely, we asked who would win in a UFC cage fight between Kevin Muscat and Danny Tiatto?

But then the conversation unexpectedly turned serious.  Someone asked that most impossible to answer question – after six seasons, wherein each team has had varying degrees of success and failure, which A-League club has performed the best overall?

With the term ‘best’ deliberately left undefined, the frivolity ceased and the scene was set for a real argument.  Everyone at the table was keen to give their opinion, if only because it gave us all an invaluable excuse to order another round or two.

At first championships and premierships were counted (or more accurately they were miscounted since mathematics and beer rarely complement one another).  Other subjective measures like style and player development were then proffered before being dismissed due to a lack of consensus.  Even Asian Champions League records got an airing although it really only benefitted the case for Adelaide United and weakened the other club’s credentials significantly.

With our eyes getting drowsy and the sun nearly set the group was on the verge of agreeing to disagree, seemingly unable to find a method of judging these clubs that would be fair to all.

Even a desperate last-ditch attempt to look up the all-time A-League ladder on Wikipedia with one of those tech-wanky iPhones didn’t satisfy us all – your humble blogger being particularly vocal in his distrust of a source that just about anybody can edit.

As an aside, I foolishly retorted that the model used by the Unofficial Football World Championships is at least assured some degree of accuracy due to the oversight of many pedantic football nerds.  It was a floodgate I wished I had not opened – but we’ll get to that in a little bit.

First, for those unfamiliar with the concept, the Unofficial Football World Championships work much like boxing, the title of champion is handed to whoever defeats the reigning champion in an official ‘A’ international fixture.  Going back to the very first international between England and Scotland in 1872, the model produces some rather interesting if also somewhat dubious outcomes.

This is perhaps best demonstrated by the fact the current unofficial champion of the football world is not a European or South American powerhouse but rather the blue samurai of Japan.  More strangely though, other relative middle weights and minnows such as Venezuela, Israel, Ireland, Zimbabwe, Angola, Georgia and yes, even Australia have held the title at various times in its history.

Further, the concept has been applied to a myriad of leagues across the globe by fanatical football fans with a penchant for the absurd and arguably far too much time on their hands.  However, I pointed out to our table of more-than-tipsy A-League tragics, no one to my knowledge had yet applied the formula to our fledgling football league.

So, with our judgement more clouded than the Cooper’s Pale Ale we had been drinking all afternoon, it was decided that this highly flawed method would be used to settle our friendly argument.  The task of crunching the numbers and tabulating the data delegated to your humble blogger since I’d suggested the idea in the first place (see, I told you it was foolish thing to do).

Of course, some ground rules needed to be set.  We agreed that all A-League competitions, including Finals Series and Pre-Season Cups, were to be included in our version of the unofficial championship.  Results earned in extra time or via penalty shoot-outs were to be considered valid.  And the inaugural champion was to be Sydney FC courtesy of their victory in the Club World Cup Qualifying Tournament held prior to the first Pre-Season Cup in 2005.

As for the final table, we would follow the method devised by the creators of the concept -  a club was to be awarded one point for winning a title match while a draw would see the defending champ retain the title but attract no points for either side.

Furthermore, it was also concluded that we needed a name for our unofficial championship.  Something that sounded clever in the heady atmosphere of the pub, but became seriously misguided in the harsh light of morning.  Thus it was decided the championship would be called the Haemorrhoid Pillow – because it’s something your club can rest on when the toilet seat is just too damn hard.

If you think that is lame and doesn’t really make any sense, don’t worry.  I have no intention of referring to it again in this blog.  Or ever, for that matter.  I just wanted to point out how worse for wear we were by this point.

So, with the rules, a cringe-worthy name and a belter of a hangover firmly in place, your humble blogger set to work the next day, combing through the results of 163 unofficial title matches. I present the results here in their entirety for you to point out any errors, ponder statistical oddities or simply to while away the last half hour of the working day whilst still looking at least partially productive thanks to its spreadsheet formatting.

For those that can’t be bothered, I have provided below the final table in addition to a few points I found to be of interest.  Of course, feel free to share your own discoveries in the comments at the end of this blog.

Notes:

1)      The title has changed hands sixty times over six seasons of A-League competitions.

2)      The current title holder heading in to season seven is Sydney FC, although Adelaide United maintains a healthy lead on the table despite having never been champions of the A-League proper.

3)      The longest streak in the unofficial championship – 8 matches – is shared between Adelaide United and Sydney FC.

4)      Since Melbourne Heart is yet to compete in a title match I thought it unfair to give them zero points (hence, their asterisk).

5)      Brisbane Roar, who went 28 matches undefeated last season, only challenged for the title once during that run.  They were unsuccessful on that occasion – drawing 2-all at home to Gold Coast United.

6)      Despite having appeared in three grand finals, Central Coast Mariners are the lowest placed foundation club still in existence.

7)      The single point earned by New Zealand Knights is the only thing they have ever won in their otherwise pointless existence (North Queensland Fury fans know they at least won the Mickey Mouse Queensland Nickel Cup in their inaugural season)

8)      The next championship match will be contest by Sydney FC and Melbourne Victory on October 8 at Etihad Stadium

The next week, with the results sorted and safely stashed in the pocket of my rather dank drinking jacket, I returned to the same pub with the intention of finally settling the argument with the very same drinking companions.

I expected to be lauded for my efforts, but alas, that was not the case.  Not only was your humble blogger not lauded, he was in fact relentlessly mocked.

My ungrateful friends pointed out – most of them Roar fans incidentally – that if Brisbane can play 28 games without defeat and not manage in that time to claim the title then there is something seriously flawed with the whole concept.  More humiliating though, they concluded there must also be something seriously flawed with me for suggesting the method in the first place.

And while they may be right on both accounts, I still feel obliged to point out it was never my intention that it be taken seriously nor was it the intention of the original creators of the Unofficial Football World Championships model.  Same goes for the many imitators across the globe.

It was only ever meant to be a bit of fun - a distraction designed to encourage endless discussion in the off-season.  Whether that is in a coffee shop on a rainy afternoon overlooking Brighton pier; lazing in the white-hot sunshine on a crowded Mediterranean beach; or losing an entire afternoon at the bottom of a pint glass in the sprawling suburbs of an Australian capital.

Because once that first whistle of the season is blown, all the pre-season arguments fall to the wayside.  They becoming meaningless trivialities compared to the task of seeing your club get their hands on a proper piece of silverware.

And for A-League fans nothing unofficial, not even a hypothetical UFC cage fight between Kevin Muscat and Danny Tiatto, will be enough to distract us from the battle for the real A-League Championship when this most anticipated of season yet finally gets under way this October.