Excuses, excuses, excuses.  I’m sick of the bloody excuses.  It seems everybody in Brisbane has a reason why they haven’t been to a Roar match this season.

All those people that went to the grand final, all those people that missed out, they said they would be back.  They said they wouldn’t dare miss a game from now on.  But where are they?  Too busy making excuses, it seems.

Well, I’ve had enough of it.  I don’t want to hear any more lame excuses from my fellow Brisvegans.

To that end, I have compiled a list of those I have heard over the past fortnight.  Further, I have decided to present them here, in no particular order, with tongue-in-cheek, clearly frustrated, rebuttals.

So let's get to it then.

“I wanted to go but I had to work.”

One of the benefits of living in a first world country like Australia, apart from a better than even chance of not dying from diphtheria or typhus, is something called the socioeconomic safety net.  So take advantage of it.  Quit your job, live off the dole and you need never miss a Roar game slaving for the man again.

However, if subsisting on a diet of two-minute noodles and daytime television isn’t your bag, there are other options.  You could apply for a job at the stadium where all kinds of match-day employment opportunities exist.  There are roles in security, catering, ticketing and even administering post-match grief counselling for traumatised visiting teams.

A friendly word of warning though, the position of FourFourTwo Brisbane-based columnist is already taken.  So don’t even think about it.

“My band was playing a gig.”

Look, let’s be honest here - your band sucks.  That’s why you haven’t made it yet.  That’s why you probably never will.  For Pete’s sake, you don’t even have any groupies, you talentless hack?

So quit being selfish already, abandon your dreams of stardom and instead bask in the reflected orange glory of Roar.  Of course, you can still sing or play drums if you wish.  Just join one of the active supporter groups located at either end of the stadium.  There you can revel in the comforting knowledge that being somewhat derivative is actually a good thing when it comes to football chants.  Or so I am told.

“I wasn’t feeling well.”

Suck it up, sunshine.  Unless you have an IV in your arm and a catheter up your doodle then you are well enough to go to a match.  I should know.  I’ve been to Roar games so hungover I could barely keep my eyes open without vomiting.  I’ve had flu-like symptoms so severe that my scarf was all that kept me warm in the midst of a balmy Brisvegas summer.  And I even had a case of gastro so bubbly that…well, you don’t want to know.

The point is that sickness is not an excuse for not attending a home game.  Unless you suspect you might be contagious.  In which case you should still go, but just be sure to sit with the away fans or directly behind the opposition bench.

“My girlfriend/wife/partner/mother won’t let me.”

Well that’s just pathetic.  I won’t even dignify that with a response.

“I thought it might rain.”

Oh, you thought it might rain, did you?  What are you a meteorologist?  No, you’re not.  And neither are the glammed-up weather girls on the weekend news bulletins.  So don’t you dare trust what they have to say about atmospheric pressure either.

You know who should know all about atmospheric pressure though?  The away team.   Every time they come to Suncorp Stadium they should feel the overwhelming pressure of the pro-Roar atmosphere before they even step on to the pitch.  They should be genuinely fearful of leaving their dressing room.

But that can’t happen if you seek immediate shelter every time you see a cloud pass overhead.  So, get yourself an orange poncho – an orange garbage bag will do in a pinch – and get out to the game already, you big girl’s blouse.

“I had a prior engagement.”

Bollocks.  The vague nature of your excuse proves to me that you are lying.  If you were telling the truth then you would have cited a specific event like a birthday party, boat christening or court-ordered community service.  The only other possibility is that you are doing something you’re ashamed of like stalking an ex-girlfriend, occupying Brisbane or, worst of all, watching reality television.

Either way, it’s time to stop the dishonesty and be part of something loud, proud and very, very orange.  Besides, real football fans clear their calendar as soon as the schedule is announced – so you really shouldn’t have any prior engagements at all, legitimate or otherwise.

“I don’t like soccer”

Fair enough, then.  You alone are excused.

As for the rest of you non-attenders – I don’t want to hear any of the above excuses ever again.

The greatest team in the history of Australian club football is playing in your home town.  They deserve sold-out stadiums.  They deserve adoration not seen since the glory days of the Roman Empire or New Kids On The Block.  They deserve your support, dammit.

And if they don’t get it, then maybe this city doesn’t deserve to have them.  And what excuses will make then, huh? I dread to think.