Each week we watch our football games surrounded by a mass of people, supporters of all different styles and creeds united by the love of the round game. Among them, there are clearly different types of fans that can be recognised across Australia. We all know them – they’re at the pub, they stand around us or sit in their seats, they jump on facebook or fan forums once they get home. We all know someone who fits a certain stereotype; so I thought I’d document those I’ve encountered on my travels.

 

The Mad Dog
Habitat: Home ends everywhere
Notes: Nobody really knows where he comes from, nobody really knows where he goes. But the mad dog is a common sight across the country. He has tattoos of his football club all down his arm. He plays a piano accordion, or rings a large bell, or randomly plays a kazoo. When the referee blows his whistle, he screams bloody murder - only to realise the free has been given for his team. This individual is most likely clinically insane, and yet an incredible source of entertainment. 
Relevance To Australian Football: Every club needs a nutter.
Approach: Expecting anything.

 

The Perfect Fan
Habitat: The Internet, Terraces
Notes: He or she is the self-appointed ideal fan for football teams. All other fans are flogs. If you're not doing what this person does, you are not supporting your team - and it would be better to stay at home and leave that job to these people. All 32 of them.  It is their voice that their team’s fortunes ride upon, and if you’re not singing from the same songbook, you’d better watch out when they’re throwing their flares.
Relevance To Australian Football: Exist to complain about the standard of support in Australia. 
Approach: With the same mindset, or not at all.

 

The Conspiracy Nut
Habitat: The internet
Notes: We didn't win the World Cup? THE FIFA JUDGING PANEL WERE FIELDING OVERAGE PLAYERS! Yes, we all know them. The providers of obscure facts and outlandish theories who turn even the most easy-to-explain story into a crackpot hypothesis. Be it a club having to move a fixture, or the absence of a player from a squad, or even the financial plight of the club's owner - these people take such a scattergun approach to explaining the game that eventually they're bound to land a hit of some kind. 
Relevance To Australian Football: Light entertainment. 
Approach: With earmuffs.

 

Dropkick Dave
Habitat: The Pub, The Terraces
Notes: Insulting all and sundry, and never left grade three (mentally, at least). The kind of guy who bumps into you, spilling his beer all over your kit, and then gets aggro at you about it. Abuses players because of the colour of their skin, and menaces you if you're in 'their spot' at the bar or ground. Believes gays, women, and anyone who otherwise doesn't resemble their reflection shouldn't be at the ground. All chants are shite unless he’s singing one.
Relevance To Australian Football: Should have been left in a bygone era.
Approach: With mace.

 

Silent Bob
Habitat: Seated areas
Notes: Found in numbers at all sorts of sports around Australia. Pays their fee, takes their seat, claps when the team scores, claps politely in commiseration, and only cheers when asked to. These people don't cause a fuss, and are unlikely to trouble the club or stadium, but arguably add little to the matchday experience beyond financial benefits - which granted, is still an important role to play. Often confused with 'family friendly', even though some families collectively swear worse than some of my 'blokey bloke' mates.
Relevance To Australian Football: Dream fan in the eyes of many clubs & FFA.
Approach: Quietly.

 

The Domesticated Ostrich
Habitat: The Internet, Stadiums
Notes: The person who accepts FFA/club press releases as gospel, and who can never be convinced otherwise. Tony Sage says Nick Tana hates him? BURN TANA'S HOUSE TO THE GROUND! Ben Buckley says he's talked to Clive Palmer about his suggestions? ALL PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED. Australia earns scrappy 1-0 win over Bangladesh?  WE'RE GONNA WIN THE WORLD CUP! AND HOST IT! You get the idea. Accepts what is fed to them by their master, and sticks their head in the sand when people try to say otherwise.
Relevance To Australian Football: Painfully present.
Approach: With a shovel.

 

Anorak Alan
Habitat: The pub, the stands, reserves games.
Notes: The walking encyclopaedia of football, this statto knows a spellbinding amount of things about the game, and is all too happy to let you know all of them. Remembers that one trialist who played a reserves game back in 1999, and maintains their own personal database of goals scored by left-footed defenders whilst wearing an away kit. Tends to patrol the pub with an eager look on their face, awaiting the next person to engage them in casual conversation about today's game.
Relevance To Australian Football: Maintains statistics websites; criticises factually incorrect press releases.
Approach: With a very specific question, or a good get-out excuse.

 

The Marketer's Dream
Habitat: Facebook, Merchandise van
Notes: The kind of punter whose eyes light up when they read "New Special Edition Kit With Slight Bit Of Gold - only $120!". Also the person who 'likes' every status from their club, league, or fan site without comprehending what it's actually saying. "Here is a picture of some grass - LIKE LIKE LIKE!" is to these people an excellent marketing strategy. Not always clueless about football, but lacking in a bit of common sense, and possibly hyperactive. Tends to update Wikipedia with signings of David Beckham simply because a facebook post says "Wouldn't it be cool if your team had David Beckham?"
Relevance To Australian Football: The bottom line.
Approach: Reluctantly (unless you're selling something).

 

The Bitrex® Boys
Habitat: The Internet 
Notes: Regular consumers of Denatonium Benzoate; the most bitter substance known to man, usually found in pesticides (purely a coincidence). Attempts to communicate and interact are often met with incoherent rants and vitriol. Arguments are irrational and often feature abusive images. These individuals revel in bad news and live in ignorance of the good; any love of football is restricted to a club with no relevance to Australian football. Even the most optimistic would consider them a lost cause.
Relevance To Australian Football: Little.
Approach: Never.

 

Turncoat Tommy
Habitat: Sydney's west; Melbourne; Sporadic parts of Queensland
Notes: Used to love a team in blue, now loves a team in red. The start of any great cross-town rivalry generally involves a group of fans splitting apart from their original club and joining a new one. The A-League has been no exception; though they might not like being reminded of it, a number of Wanderers fans originally supported a team in Sky Blue, and a whole load of Heart fans originally followed Victory. Not popular with former colleagues but are an integral part of expansion.
Relevance To Australian Football: Important to building new teams.
Approach: With light-hearted mockery.

 

The Spurned Lover
Habitat: The Internet, Pub
Notes: Not yet addicted to snail pellets, but full of regret about the way they've been treated. Able to make rational arguments, but feel a sense of betrayal which permeates their opinions. Not just a by-product of the demise of the NSL, these aggrieved customers can be found at clubs which have experienced a succession of poor administrators which have detracted from their former love of the game. Not lost to the game, they still have a passing interest and may check on the round's results or watch their former team at a pub.
Relevance To Australian Football: Important to re-engage and learn from.
Approach: With patience and a bit of understanding.

 

The Blogger
Habitat: The internet
Notes: The wisest, best-looking, and best fans alive. Oracles about the game, never wrong in their predictions, and keepers of absolute truth. Better coaches than anyone managing in the A-League, these football masterminds grace the internet with their views at regular intervals in order to enlighten the populace about the beautiful game. Next in line for a Pulitzer or Man Booker Prize; they’re just giving to society in the meantime. Worship regularly at the altar of Craig Foster; and they are never, ever wrong. About anything. Never known to tell a lie or exaggerate, either.
Relevance To Australian Football: The lifeblood of the game
Approach: With reverence and great respect. Donations always accepted.

Hopefully that list is a reasonable approximation of the people you interact with on a regular basis. If you recognise yourself in this list, well – at least try to take it with a pinch of salt and some good humour. It takes all kinds, after all.

And if you think I’ve missed someone that you know all too well; please let us know in the comments below.