FEEL like punching someone in the face at Central station because you've just been 'dogged' by your mate on Friday afternoon?

Looking for an excuse to fight with anyone on your platform out of pure frustration (with the exception of the gang of tattoed 20-something year olds who walk past with roughly the same idea in mind)? Generally annoyed by a bad end to the week?

Well, I think I may have found the perfect solution for you…

No, it's not an extend FIFA 09 session where you "randomly" pick lower league opposition on amateur level so that you can take your frustrations out on the nearest Blue Square Premier side (it's not the team, it's the player, right?) or even a guilt-free session at the local KFC (though both worked equally well for yours truly, particularly the latter).

Ladies and gentlemen of the perpetually struggling social sphere, it's time to blame all of your problems on...

MATTHEW BREEZE!

Yes that's right, the man who has been short-listed by FIFA (one wonders whether anyone from that oh-so-blessed-and-infallible institution even knows who he is) is the ultimate cure for all of your ills.

Perhaps I'm being a little harsh though. I don't really have endless evidence to back up my new-found theory (I'm a uni student...get used to it…) but his woeful, match-turning performance on Friday stirred painful memories of a similar display in this year's Tiger Turf Cup Final (The NSW Federations' cup competition, for those of you whose following of Australian football doesn't exist outside of listening to Andy Harper "commentate" every weekend *shudder*).

Of course, there's always the idea that "referees are human", as if the human race is some pathetic, error-prone collection of aimless wanderers...

Oh...right...

Sorry guys, but if a referee can't get close enough to the action to see two blatant dives that altered the course of the match, he shouldn't be wearing a FIFA patch on his arm – it's his job to make those calls.

In any case, I'm getting off track. The point is, Matthew Breeze has now established himself as the ultimate fall-guy for the human race, to the extent that there is probably an alternate ending to "Armageddon" where NASA discover that a decision by Matthew Breeze has actually threatened the existence of the human race, by somehow being linked to the sudden approach of a ridiculously large meteorite (upon reflection, that movie does seem a little farfetched...but if we get to see Steve Buscemi using a machine-gun in space, it's well worth a couple of hours of our otherwise dull lives).

While Matthew Breeze has been edging us all towards the apocalypse, Cristiano has confirmed himself as Australian football's second-most hated man (behind Kevin Muscat) with his superbly rehearsed acting performance on Friday afternoon.

Despite the entertainment value offered, I'm sure many of us were also insulted by Kevin Muscat penalty taking antics – not so much the fact that he celebrated like a firm member but more that he actually scored.

Twice.

Down the middle.

On live television.

Oh, and a word to Adelaide's players: we can tell that your minds are elsewhere (and I'm not talking about the imminent release of Football Manager 2009, though it's not that difficult to imagine Robert Younis filling in time between substitute appearances by leading the Reds to virtual Asian glory).

Unfortunately, a lot of you probably didn't have the luxury of Greek cooking on a Saturday evening to cure your blues (Matthew Breeze and Melbourne Victory fans excluded) but we were all fortunate enough to witness a wonderful game of football - wonderful in the sense that Sydney blew a three goal lead.

I don't think I've ever seen an emotional transformation so conspicuous as John Kosmina's smug expression quickly developing into a non-cyberspace version of "WTF".

Matt Simon, I owe you one...

Just out of curiosity, I was wondering if any one of you have experienced one of those moments in your life so rare, that you know your world is going to change forever. Maybe it was when the Americans showed you that they had landed on the moon, when the Berlin Wall fell, or various other nostalgia-inducing moments of epic proportions.

At around half-past three on Sunday, the 2nd of Novermber, 2008, I almost experienced one of those moments, when it seemed that the gangly figure of Edmundo Zura had scored a legitimate goal for the Newcastle Jets.

Alas, my "Tell your grandchildren about it" tale was taken away by a rightly raised flag, my woes compounded by my half-induced coma-of-boredom that resulted from watching a Wellington side who have regressed to a style of play that is about as entertaining as "Superbad" (which is possibly one of the worst films ever made, undoubtedly the result of something Matthew Breeze did...)

Until next week…

PS. If Kossie, Kevin or Matthew happen to wonder upon this magical, unpaid piece of literary brilliance, know that I was only kidding - honest...

On the lower end of the social scale with a lot of time on your hands? I'm sure you'll be on your way up soon but in the mean-time... check out my personal blog-site.